Inspired

The Cliff...

2006-11-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we get stuck in a "place" in life...I am there...major changes were made in my life in the last few years, with the most recent being very freeing...at the same time I am now faced with a crossroads...

If I choose the safe route...I will stay exactly here I am...working a 9-5 job in a field that is foreign to me, surrounded by people and politics that I don't like, and that seem to be little by little sucking my soul out of me...I don't have time left over to focus on anything creative...I am just paying all of my expenses, and there is no room to move...

If I choose to jump off the cliff...everything is uncertain...I would like to open up a clothing store...there is an up & coming area very close to my neighborhood that needs one...the time now seems to be right, the climate for the store to go in seems good...I am experienced in this field...I have many contacts in the Industry...I would be around people daily, and be doing something that i love...

The risks are financial, but not extreme...my worry though is that I will have to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table...I don't want to depend on the people around me for huge amounts of help...but this is something that I seem to believe in and have faith in more than anything else!

If I stay here, the complacency is clouding my mind and not allowing me to start focusing on what I really should be doing...

I HAVE TO JUMP NOW!!!

Updates...

2006-11-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

Every second seems to be filled up with something to do...I now understand why people need vacations where they do NOTHING!

Tues, Nov 14:

6:00pm: Met up @ Beck's...her house was in shambles, as she was packed up for the movers to come...C & A came to meet up with us...Li picked from the take-out menus and we had sushi as our last supper...we were there to visit MOJO for the last time...Beck's was putting him to sleep on Thursday...

8:30pm: Hauled some boxes from Beck's to mine & dropped Li off with his dad.

8:45pm: Quick-Change, and headed downtown with A to Lee's Palace to see Jamie Lidell... we had no idea what we were in for, but the tickets were only $15, and we like live music, so off we went...we met up with J, and 3 of his friends at the Future Bakery on Bloor, and then we walked over to Lee's...When he eventually came on,what we saw on stage was a badly dressed white man in K-way pants...when he opened his mouth, out came the soul of a black man...Amazing! We were glad that we went

12:00am: Slightly buzzed wandering the one-way side streets North of Bloor, looking for C's car...one of J's friends who we'd met that night..A and I decided that he was our new GBF, and he happened to live 3 mins away from me, so he offered to drive me home...

He had this new i-pod that could hold 8,000+ songs, and A was joking, what? No JT?
He scoffed and made fun, only to flip the switch and a few mins later start fully singing Sexy Back...

12:30: Home safe and sound...where i proceed to neurotically clean for the next 30mins, until I am satisfied that my house is clean enough for me to go to sleep...

In amongst the bags that I brought home from Becks was a bag of books...I'm now reading Running With Scissors...which I think is coming out soon as a movie which should be interesting to see...

On Friday, were heading back to Lee's to see DJ Champion...someone we discovered at the V-Fest...should be an amazing night...can't wait...

Haunting Me

2006-11-02T13:36:00.000-08:00

This world of ours been here a long, long time
And the stars above, I love to watch them shine.
I need your love to lead this life of mine.

Early Morning Baking...

2006-10-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

Relationships consist of the said and the unsaid, and every relationship needs to have some unsaid.

lately I have been over-committing myself to the point of exhaustion...I am aware that this is something that has to stop...

I have been struggling with the fact that there never seems to be enough time! For the last two days I've managed to get out of bed at 5am, and have finally found time...there are two hours waiting for me every morning between 5-7am, where I can be alone in silence with my thoughts and finally get some more things accomplished!

I finally have my website up for my purses, and for the past few weeks I have been planning to get a photoshoot together so that I can have more content on the site...I need to SEW SEW SEW...I've found a focus and now I have to stick with it...

365 days later...

2006-10-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

see me...

They say that the only things worth having, are the ones which require some sort of struggle...

...so here I am looking at something that my heart is begging me to attain, knowing that the path that will lead me there is marked with obstacles...

...after much consideration, knowing that the easy way out would be to let the pessimistic side of me take over and over-rationalize why it shouldn't or couldn't be...

...I have decided to get ready to face the struggles...never have I ever felt like this ever! i want to embrace the connection and see where it takes us...I want you to know everything there is to know about me...and I want to know all of you...

So that was where my head was at 365 days ago, and oddly enough, I'm in the same headspace today...

So many things have happened in the last year, but somehow I have come back to the same place...I'm residing in this state of Limbo, and "he" is still all that I can think about...

Life, the Universe, and all it's subtle hints...I've driven myself to distraction, and yet the thought of him still haunts me...Why can't I shake this...?

Because I don't want to...

Next step...

YYZ - YQL

Sweet Strike Day #2

2006-10-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

I can come right out and say that I am fully addicted to certain types of sweets:

Donuts, Pastries, Muffins, Cakes, Candy...

All of which are not so good for me. For some reason I have these crazy strong cravings, which I have allowed myself to give in to...UNTIL NOW!

In an effort to break this addiction, yesterday I cut it all out COLD TURKEY!

Into Day #2 and Apples, as much as I love them, just are not cutting it...

I've decided that I would like to be incredibly hot, and eating all of the above, would definitely not help me reach this goal...

This is so hard...there should be a patch or something!

Helicopters...

2006-10-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

There were crazy sirens that lasted way to long, and Helicopters whizzing overhead near my house on Tuesday? I'm not sure what happened...but sometimes it gets tiring living in this big city.

I have been so tired lately, and it's because I have the nasty habit of over-extending myself.

I don't want to miss out on any opportunities, so I tend to take on a lot. I've decided to slow down, and really focus on what is important to me. L tops that list. I should spend quality time doing all of the things that will truly make me happy, and everything else will fall into place.

collected...

2006-09-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 6th!

I'm finally going to get to see Massive Attack live! The best part of it, is that they were supposed to play the Virgin Music Festival, and due to some VISA issues, they were unable to enter Canada! The V-Fest was okay...but they are now coming to The Carlu!! An amazing Art Deco building downtown, that's usually used for private corporate events...I can't wait!!!

Is this a Re-bound?

2006-09-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

I've just look back at the posts over the last four months, and all that I can think is that there seemed to be too much too soon with D and I...

As we are now almost 5 months into this relationship, I find myself with a feeling that perhaps he is a re-bound? D came along a week after an incident which left me with some hurt feelings and a slightly crushed spirit...perhaps I jumped into it, because it was a good distraction from what had happened?

Our first date was a bit of a traumatic experience, as I suffered anaphylatic shock and had to be taken to the hospital...I've read that circumstances like that can often trigger a false sense of "love-like" feelings...

I feel like early on, I noticed that he seemed to have a checklist, and I almost felt like all that was missing was "future-wife", and he just checked me into that column...

The more I get to know him, the more I begin to question what is happening with us...the more I feel like I do like him but do I Love him??

I can't see how we would fit in the Long Long run...he wants all of these "traditional" things to add to his check-list, and I the more I get to know him, I feel like he's allowed what he wants, "the big IDEAL picture" to cloud what he actually has...

I feel pressured into moving ahead with this, and there are so many things that are happening in my life which utilize my time...I don't have a lot of spare time, and when I do, he expects me to spend it with him...If I say no or that I really would like to work on other things, I get this big sulk, which is un-becoming for someone of 35...

He asked me the other day to come to Calgary with him for a few days over Christmas...His parents would like to meet me, and they though a ski trip to the Mountains would be good...

I am about to let him know that I will not go...There's something that just doesn't feel right, and I can't pinpoint it, which is why I haven't made any rash decisions yet...But the longer we go on, the more and more I feel like something is wrong, and that is probably enough to stop this bounce...

My Spidey Sense...

2006-09-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

So D's birthday was two weeks ago today...and he didn't know this before-hand, but I had planned a surprise for him...

I called all of his friends and some of his co-workers and we all arranged to meet up for drinks and dinner after work that day...he thought that just he and I were going to dinner...I got Helium Balloons and delivered them to the lounge that day, and made a reservation at this kewl restaurant on Queen street...typing this...it all seems so simple now...but it really was alot of coordination...

After all was said and done at the restaurant, I had reserved a room at this awesome boutique hotel, where all the rooms are theamed and have been decorated by local designers...we went over checked in, and then went to meet up with a couple of his friends who were at a local bar...

We all drank and talked and laughed and all seemed to be going well, before we were leaving, I got the number of one of his friends and put it in my cell phone, I enjoyed talking with him, and I'd like to hook him up with one of my friends...

We get back to the hotel and D's mood is clearly changed....he was fuming, accusing me of wanting to hook up with this guy...etc...I told him that he was ridiculous...he asked me to erase the number, that seemed like a crazy request, but if it would put his mind at ease; I did...he further accused me of saving the number under someone else's name?!

He then proceeded to take my phone and brake it in half...(oddly enough) I never found the bottom half of it, which would have contained the chip so that I could retrieve my stored data?!

Needless to say, the cool hotel room went wasted that night...the next day, we both didn't go into work, and D took me and replaced my phone (sans any numbers)...

This was two weeks ago, and the air between us has definitely changed...he had mentioned that he had some jealously issues with his last gf, but this is crazy...I am a friendly person, anyone that knows me can attest to that...I talk to everyone...

We went to the V-Fest on the weekend...and as I had promised Zero 7 was amazing...everyone should have that experience...and for me this was my second time...another band that I hadn't heard of, but are now my favorite is MUSE!
Also, Toronto's Broken Social Scence was great!

The vibe between us there too was off...I need space to be me, and he keeps trying to pull me closer...Where does this insecurity stem from?

Yesterday we met up for a walk at lunch...he happened to see said ex-gf...and then the whole mood shifted yet again...

He wouldn't explain, and was acting kind of strange...I finally said that I was going back to work, and that I would talk to him later...

Later...I get a call, basically saying that there was something that he hadn't told me and that I should know, because it would explain why he was acting weird.

The short story of what was divulged to me, was that he had been charged with Criminal Harassment by his Ex...I know the whole story from his end, and can see how she might have been manipulating him...

However,

That new knowledge, in combination with what happened with my phone, makes me feel very unsettled...if either of those incidents were stand-alone...I might be able to over-look them...but this is making me feel like maybe it's a warning sign...

I told him today,that I feel like his issues with whatever happened between him and her are unresolved...and that perhaps counceling would be a good place for him...

.....................................................................................

Posted...

2006-08-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning while D was in the shower, I opened up his e-mail to get the e-mail addresses of some of his friends...next Wednesday is his 35th birthday, and I've planned for some of his friends and some of mine to meet up for drinks and dinner...he doesn't know...

While I was in the e-mail, I noticed one that his parents had sent him...it was the response to some pics that he had sent to them...in particular the one of he & I at Becks's cottage...

This was the e-mail from his dad:

"Hi son,

Thanks for the photos, we really enjoyed looking at them. When you get a chance can you send some more of you and J, we'd like to post them on our fridge.

Love, Dad"

It just feels slightly weird, a picture of me will be posted on the fridge of a couple in Calgary...so that when all their friends visit, they can proudly say, yes there's D and his girlfriend J...

He's told them that we are in love...I'm not sure exactly what else he's mentioned...

I wonder what they think about the situation...His father plays golf, and his mother does volunteer work, almost stereotypical "Retired WASP" activities...they live in Alberta, not exactly know for it's cultural diversity...in as much as I say that...I am as Canadian as can be, aside from my physical appearance...there was some mention of his mother being a bit of a racist in the past...but D assures me that's long gone...I don't know...

RPK

2006-08-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

I sometimes have these dreams which seem so vivid that I can't help feeling a weird sense of being...

The above picture is of someone from my past...I sometimes think about him...not in a longing...but it's weird to think that you spend pockets of time with people, and then that's all they become...memories...

He was from 10 years ago...it was in Montreal...he was emerging on the Graffiti scene, and I was his groupie...we would talk on the phone (long-distance) for hours...he came to visit (his first plane ride)...it was a cute teenage attraction...nothing happened...

...a couple years later, he had stayed in touch with one of my friends, we were going to Montreal, he said we could crash at his place...I made him T-shirts, which he wore...I went out at night with him and his crew and watched them "piece", we went to parties...we smoked joints...we held hands...

...this time the year that had passed without any communication between us seemed to melt away...this time, something happened...

I would see him occasionally, on the street or in the Metro, we would say hi...I still remember the last time that I saw him...he was standing on St. Catherine's Street...as I drove by in a car, I didn't realize that that moment would later become my last memory of him...

...I see his markings on buildings here in Toronto...I know some are recent...it's weird...

wonder...

2006-08-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

So the other day D and I were talking, and he wanted to know where my blog was...I didn't tell him...he said "we tell each other everything anyway"...

I explained to him that it would be like him reading my journal or diary, because that is exactly what it is...and the fact that other people sometimes read it doesn't bother me, because I don't know them...

Also, I probably would feel the need to sensor what I write and I don't want to do that!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 14, 2006

This has been a weird day to date...

I last saw D for an hour at lunch on Friday...we did a little window shopping had a bite to eat and then both went back to work...

I talked to him for a while on Friday night where he proceeded to let me know that there was the possibility that we wouldn't see each other until his birthday, which is 2 weeks away, because of some switch with his ex, and him looking after his son...that was dissappointing news...and then at some point he went off about how he'd probably get shipped off to Montreal for work and how that would fuck everything up, and then I said out of frustration, "I'll make things simple for you...I am not what you are looking for as I come with complications"...and then he hug up on me...

A few mins later I called him back and left a message with what I had meant to say...basically that I don't have a simple life...and if he can't handle all of the complications that would come with "us" then maybe it would be better that we not be together...I do love him , but sometimes I suppose it' s just not enough...

He called me back a few mins later, and after another hour we were back to normal, or so I thought?

I talked to him a couple of times on Saturday...and then yesterday I finally had a chance to hang out with Becks & A together, and I haven't seen either of them in a while...we did some shopping, took L out to Lunch and then went for a walk in the Beaches...then we dropped off Becks at home and A, L and I did some grocery shopping...

By the time that we got back, I was exhausted...D called and I was in the middle of domestic chaos, I told him that I would call him back... I had to cook dinner, gather a huge pile of laundry, feed L, do the laundry, bath L, read to him...get him to sleep, go back and flip the laundry into the dryer, when I finally came back home it was 9:45 and I could barly keep my eyes open...I set the timer on the microwave for 50mins, and lay down...I didn't wake up until 1:33am...the laundry room had closed at 11...and it was too late to call and wake up D...So I went back to bed...

I shot him a few e-mails this morning, only to get crude rudamentary replies...when I finally picked up the phone to call him, I thought that for sure he was joking around...apparently not...he claims that he was so upset about being "forgotten" yesterday, that I should re-asssess wheather or not I really want to be with him?!

I sent a few e-mails going into detail about why I didn't end up calling him back, and he said that because he called me twice yesterday with no response, that it was making him begin to "wonder"...what makes me wonder, is, we haven't had alot of time to spend together lately, and that can be trying on a relationship, but when I said that I got tomorrow night off...he responded that he was "going to the gym"...I said no problem, I'll come over when you're finished, and he said that he didn't think that it would be a good idea?

That's akin to me saying that I have to wash my hair...

YYZ-YUL

2006-08-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since a real post here, and time feels like something that makes no sense to me anymore...the past 3 months have gone by so fast, yet at the same time felt like 3 years...So D and I had a chat the other day, and he brought up the fact that we're at the 3 month mark in our dating life...and apparently this is when we can reveal to others how "really serious" the relationship is...

Here are D's thoughts on us...and not that anyone is reading this...but I know it sounds weird that such feelings can develop in 3 months, but this is one of those situations where you'd really have to be in our shoes to understand it...

He says that he knew almost instantly that there was a connection: I agree...Within the first week of our dating, I could feel this vibe that I'd never felt before...

He says that he feels free with me: I also agree...We have talked at least once a day EVERY day of the last 3 months...we normally talk on the phone for 1-2 hours every night...even when he is away in Montreal on business the communication remains the same...I feel free in the fact that no subject matter seems taboo, and I can express my ideas to him without feeling judged...

I don't know if it's because he's older than me...the 5.5 years seems to make a difference in the maturity levels, which is a good thing...but also because of that, there are things that he wants which are not daunting to me, but make me pause and reflect if those are what I want too?

He'd like us to buy a house together in a year...which makes sense...our combined double-income would afford us some nice diggs...

Even bigger than that, but at the same time not, is the fact that he wants us to get married...he asks me at least once a week...and even though I feel like if we did it would be a great thing...I don't know what the "big deal" is about being married...
That's probably the cynical me clouding my thoughts on that matter, from a previous bad experience...

The Irony of the situation is that it seems like it would normally be the reverse...There are so many single women out there looking for "Mr.Perfect":

-Someone who is mature
-Someone who is financially secure
-Someone who has dealt with the demons of their past, and is not afraid to admit to have had some therapy
-Someone who is attentive
-Someone who calls everyday
-Someone who brings flowers
-Someone who is amazing in bed
-Someone who talks about their feelings
-Someone who listens
-Someone who wants to commit to them with MARRIAGE
-Someone who who seems to be the perfect puzzle piece

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 4, 2006

So yesterday D found out that he has to be in Montreal for work today...he was up so early this morning rushing to get going...I get a phone call at 6:29am from D at the Airport...he had checked into security and was at his gate with his Starbucks...

I could hear the announcement in the background, calling for the boarding of his flight...

He said that he had to hear my voice before he left for work today...

happy...

2006-07-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

haven't felt the need to write much lately...D and I are falling deeper in love and it feels great...there's this rush of emotions that I've never felt before...overwhelming at times...but in general very good!

We're headed in this direction, and it scares me a bit...but lately this has governed me...

"Feel fear, and do it anyway"

limbo...

2006-07-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

yeah! snagged my two-day passes for V-fest which is making it's way to Toronto Island on September 9th & 10th...

It will be the "second date" for D and I, and my second time seeing Zero 7 who are my fav band ever! The other good news is that Gnarls Barkley is playing and Massive Attack...I can't wait...

on another note...

I'm feeling slightly disjointed...I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but I have a general idea...

D & I along with L went up to Beck's cottage on Lake Muskoka this past weekend...we had a great relaxing time, hanging out with Becks and her family, and the weather was amazing, aside from the Monsoon that greeted us on the boat ride over...

Last night D and I had a talk that perhaps is leaving me with this feeling of Limbo...we acknowledged the feeling that we both have been having that things between us are getting increasingly more serious...

In a perfect world...we'd be able to proceed with no snags...but unfortunately such is not the case...

We discussed the inevitable moving-in together...as we are on separate ends of the city, who goes where? I love my neighborhood, and so does D...he said that "if I didn't have a son and a crazy ex, I'd pack up and leave right now"...

But the fact remains that he does have both...and with shared custody, his son goes back and forth, a week with each parent...as they are on the same end of the city...it's convenient for him to get to school from either house...

I do not want to move out of my area...it's close to downtown, and to all the places I need to be for work...it has an amazing park, and in general, it's a good area to raise kids...

How do we get over this hump... if D and his son move to my neighborhood, how would things work with K seeing his mother...who is another reason I have been feeling a tad bit weird...

I too have an ex to deal with, who although sometimes extremely frustrating, is not clinically crazy...she is bi-polar, and seems to be constantly having "episodes" which render her "too tired" or unable to look after K...D mentioned that it is the first time that this is happening in the last 3 years...and it's probably because the doctors have changed her medication, but the fact remains that...there have been 3 incidents in the past month, which seems all to frequent for my liking...

As a result of our conversation last night, we came to the conclusion that we both are facing the same question: Is our love for each other Unconditional?

I wonder if I truly love him, or am I just enthralled with this "ideal" that seems to be us...and I wonder if the reverse is true for him...also as you get to know people better, certain guards get let down, and I've seen a few sides of him that I can rationalize because of what I know of his past...but I can't help but wonder if they will pose a problem in "our life"...

I suppose at some point, you just have to pick your battles...do I love him, am I willing to just make the decision to be with him come what may?

We seem to have very open communication, which has been there from the beginning...and which I think will be the foundation for a great relationship...however his tendency to quickly flinch at the slightest sign of anything bad, is a sign that maybe there are demons of his past that are still haunting him...

i think not...

2006-06-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

So D came back on Thursday night, and I picked him up at Union Station...it was nice...he was exhausted, so we ordered pizza instead of going out, watched some soccer highlights and then passed out...

On Friday evening he and his son picked me up, and we decided to head over to Licks in the Beaches for dinner...after it was over I suggested that we take K over to the huge park so that he could play...

when we were outside, I saw this blue BMW with a car-seat in the back...and I said to D that's just like my friend J's car...so I sent her a text asking if she was in the Beaches...

we head over to the park...no response...sit down and K starts running around...after 10 mins I look up, and guess who enters the park...J and her husband and son...

we all get to talking, and I tell D that he and M (J's husband) probably do similar for work...in a strange twist...D just got the job that M had applied for...and they do in-fact know and have worked with some of the same people...

there are no coincidences...

Yesterday D showed me this photo album that his mother had made & given him for x-mas...it was a bit of a photo history of his life so far...there were some pictures of K's mother in it...and in all this time hearing about her...I suppose I didn't develop a mental picture...but I did imagine her to be this stunningly beautiful french woman...not based on anything D had said though...

she was thin and pale, with long wavy dark hair...and rather plain looking...Definitely not what I had imagined...

...we got K and L together for the second time,yesterday, and it went much better than the first...they played in the park for about an hour and both seemed to have a great time!

on the phone with D last night, he said that we were a great balance for each other...and that would explain my contentment...

the 23:34 train...

2006-06-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

So D has been in Montreal for the last week, and he arrives back tonight...as he promised before he left, we've been in constant communication...

It's been nice, he'd call to tell me where he was at a given time in at what bar...on what street...and since I used to live in Montreal, I could picture it in my head...

I did/do miss him...last night he promised to call when he got back to his hotel...I was tired and ended up passing out pretty early...at 4:20 am my phone starts ringing...

It's D, very drunk! It was cute in as much as that situation can be...he'd been out with his cousin and her boyfriend, and had an amazing time...He's probably not going to remember this...but he started recounting the whole night for me...and made sure to tell me that he told them all about me, and how much he loves me...and how he wanted me to have his babies....LOL...

Then he came right out and made sure that I still wanted to marry him, and he said "will you have babies with me"....to which I promptly said "no"....

We've talked 4 times on the phone today...earlier on we were counting down the hours...we're at T-3 hours right at this moment...and now I don't know what I feel...

I'm going to have a shower, throw on a dress, head downtown and have a drink...and then go meet him at the Train Station...

Ahhh...I wish that sometimes I could accurately articulate how I feel!

not a shock...

2006-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Your Aura is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great.

You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own.

Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Most Like...

2006-06-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.
Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

He Asked...

2006-06-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love

Accidentally

I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally

So the other night, D and I were sitting on a park bench talking and drinking tea...and in the middle of a seemingly normal conversation, he turned to me and said"

Will You Marry Me?

to be continued......

He Makes it Easy...

2006-06-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

" Never been here - How about you ? "
You smile at my answer,
You've given me the chance,
To be held and understood.

You leave me laughing without crying,
There's no use denying,
For many times I've tried,
Love has never felt as good.

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy.

How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ?
How did I find you ?
How can this be true ?
To be held and understood.

Keep it coming - no one's running
The lesson I'm learning
'Cause blessings are deserved
By the trust that always could

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy.

Freddie...

2006-06-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

D came and met up with me on Friday night after work...we did some shopping with L and then headed back over to my end of the city...I dropped off L at his dad's house and went up and had a drink with D at my local Irish pub...

From there we made a quick pit-stop at my house to drop stuff off an then it was off to see K & J and their new baby...

K and I have been friends for 10 years, and have seen so many phases of each other's life...he and his wife, were 'natural parents' and to see them with a baby, didn't seem in the least bit strange...she (baby) is so calm and well tempered...I held her for most of the visit...it was nice...at some point we all sat on the floor of their new house and were eating sushi...and I passed the baby to D...it was so cute to see him hold her...I have to admit the thought of us having a baby flashed through my mind...but didn't stay long enought for me to actually start forming it into a want...

After dinner, drinks, good music and good conversation, we called it a night and headed back to my house...

.....................................................................................

On Saturday we woke up and headed over to the local Sports Bar, to have some brunch and watch the first match of the World Cup...from there we popped into this little clothing store so that I could help D find a zip-up jacket...the owner of the store asked us if we were married...D said no...she asked if we were living together, he said no, but that we do spend alot of time together...she said that we had that "vibe"...

we went back to my house, and then decided to go meet J, D's friend who was at another pub downtown watching the second match...we had a pint there with some of his friends, and I confessed my love for Freddie Ljungberg...they were making fun of me...we left there and then headed for the Spa!!

We sat in the steam room, which had the most relaxing music...and the steam was infused with Eucalyptus...after that our RMT's came to grab us, and we had full body massages on side-by-side tables...when it was over we headed back to the steam room and then walked up to Queen street and had an amazingd dinner at this Indian restaurant...

Came home where I proceeded to whip up some Guacamole and then we headed downtown to a friend's b-day party...then back to D's where we passed out after our day of "stress"...

Yesterday D told me that June 10th, 2006 was the best day of his life...

level...

2006-06-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

So things have seemed to iron themselves out...after spending Tuesday night together, things feel more at ease...D met me after work, and there was some tension at first...we did some grocery shopping, and came back to my house, where I cooked dinner...which turned out really good...we ate and talked for a long while, and I got more insight into his life, which would explain certain of his behaviors...Becks & M picked up up and we headed over to see Jen's band play...It was awesome as usual...

we left after politely sitting through half the set of the last band...which I can only describe as perhaps "angst-ridden lesbians"...the night was that perfect temperature that made you feel like you never wanted it to end...we walked for an hour before finally hoping into a cab back to my house...it was so nice...

D finally ended his sabbatical yesterday, and is starting a new position on Monday, that he's excited about...I'm really happy for him...great company, with room for advancement...and lots of travel between Toronto & Montreal...

So he's met almost all of my good friends now...and they have nothing but positive feedback ...

tomorrow we have our massage time at the spa...which will be a great transition into this new phase of what's happening in our lives...

Gut Instinct

2006-06-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

What is the feeling in the pit of my stomach trying to tell me?

I thought that it was the literal heights that we reached on Saturday, but clearly I've had both feet planted firmly on solid ground for the past few days, and it's not going away...

D and I speak to each other every day...in every conversation, he somehow feels the need to remind me how much he cares about me and how happy he is to have me in his life...

He told me the other day that he's told his parents about us...he told his best friend the other day that he's falling in love with me...he talks about "our" future...

On Sunday I told him that I had plans to see a friend's band play on Tuesday...which is usually my night off from L...he looked so upset that I had made plans without him, that I invited him...was it somewhat out of guilt?

I've seen evidence of what looks to be a possive nature...I suppose that time reveals things...

We're supposed to meet up this evening, and as much as there's nothing that stands out as being wrong...I don't know why I can't knock this apprehensive feeling?

2.5.........

2006-06-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

So it's becoming more and more evident that what D wants seems to be equivalent to the whole "white picket fence" dream...

and I'm wondering if he really is in love with me...or just the idea of "us"...

bliss...

2006-05-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

So D booked us a massage for next Saturday! He's in the habbit of going every few weeks to this new spa that opened up on King Street...

I'm so excited...this will be my 3rd official massage...he's booked a woman for himself and a man for me...this should be interesting, as we're in the same room at the same time...

I'm not coming back...

2006-05-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

You think you are complicated,
Deep mystery to all,
Well it’s taken me a while to see,
You’re not so special.
All energy, no meaning,
With a lot of words,
So paper thin that one real feeling,
Could knock you down.

So see you when you’re forty,
Lost and all alone,
Being comforted by strangers,
you'll never need to know,
Not sad because you lost me,
But sad because you thought it was cool,
To be sad.

No Longer Torpid

2006-05-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

So the plan was for D and Becks to meet up last night... the three of us were going for sushi and drinks!

Not surprisingly, everything changed by mid-day! Becks called to say that she had booked herself on a flight to Vancouver that left at 10pm...and then L's dad didn't call, so I had L at home...

D & I decided to get together anyway...I was a little...ok...A lot apprehensive about the whole introducing him to L...but sometime you just have to go with what your gut tells you...

We met up outside, and I introduced him to L as my friend...L was wearing his batman mask...D had a box in his hand...on top was a "Batman" gingerbread cookie...that set the tone for the night...we walked up to the park, and L played while we chatted...it felt to great, to have someone that I could include in the simple facets of my life...we went and picked up some sushi, and then walked home and sat down to eat...L took D up and showed him his room and all of his toys...it was cute...

the other day D and I were talking and he asked me: "how do you feel about me being a potential role-model for your son?"...

I feel like this whole situation is going to be a blessing in all of our lives...in two weeks L and D's son will meet...

This is truly becoming a HAPPY ACCIDENT!

I AM HAPPY!!!

2006-05-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I feel the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me home
You were sweet, and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last jelly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me home
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me home
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round

Somersaults in that sand for us!!!

en route...

2006-05-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Last night D came over to my house for the first time...we waited for L to fall asleep...when he showed up he walked up my path carrying flowers against his chest...and I can truly say that a rush of happiness came over me when I saw him...

I showed him around, and we had some BlackFly...we watched Match Point that Woody Allen film that came out last year...

we spent a lot of time talking, and it was refreshing to have someone around...someone who seems to be as interested in me, someone who wants the same things that I do...who's in the same place in life that I am...D mentioned that we should go on a trip together in the next few months!

I don't want to get too excited...but I want to savor every moment that I have with him...it seems like I've been waiting for this my whole life...

When he left, this is what he said to me:

"Thank You for coming into my life"

Serendipity...

2006-05-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

“Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.”

"just friends"...

2006-05-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

I got an e-mail from the Journalist this morning asking me how my week is going...I responded and then let him know that I have started seeing someone...I've never actually been in this situation, so I'm not sure how to handle things?!

It's a bit early to ignore other options...but he and are would be good as just friends, as I don't really have "that feeling" when were together...

The other problem now...is S...we cancelled last Saturday which would have been our second date, because I was on-set late, and still on meds from the whole peanut thing on Friday night...and the weirdest thing, is that Friday night nearly didn't happen, I was thinking about canceling on D, because I knew that I was interested in S?!! So I also get a e-mail from S yesterday, asking me to go see this live band on Thursday night...I sent some lame excuse about how I am really tired, and how I won't commit to Thursday in case I have to cancel...(I am tired)...and if Friday and the past few days never happened...I'd be SO excited about seeing him again...

D has pretty much made it clear that he'd like me to be his Girlfriend...and I'm pretty sure that I want that right now too...but that leaves the whole "what could have been" thing as a question mark in my mind next to S...

D and I had a conversation about dating, and I mentioned that there were a couple of other people...he said that I should go ahead and do what I needed to, but that he had no plans to date anyone else...and if he considers me to be his GF then, I'd be cheating on him dating someone else....

ok...that's solved...how do I tell S that I'd like to be friends? We've only been on one date, and we didn't even have as much as a kiss, but there was chemistry...it just seems a little odd telling S that I'd like to be "just friends", when we've only gone out once... :)

the almost deadly duck....

2006-05-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

So we met at the really nice restaurant on Friday night...he's cute, I
like...we have drinks followed by appetizer, and then order
entrees...started to feel good that I made the decision not to cancel our date!

the waiter asks if I have any allergies, and i say yes to peanuts...as
this was not a thai place I wasn't extremely worried...

I order the duck...he orders the lobster...when it comes there are 3
variations on duck...I have a bite of something, and immediately my
lips and tongue start to swell...i start to get up and tell the waiter
to call a taxi...D is asking him to check with the chef...

turns out there were traces of peanuts in the sauce of the thing that I took a
bite of...taxi comes...we stop and get some meds at the Drugstore and
then onto the hospital, where we can't find the Emergency
enterence...then we go to the one across the street , and as soon as
we enter I ran to the washroom and threw up!

Then I had to be seen by a nurse and wait....after an hour I felt
better because the medication had kicked in...they took me to a separate area of the ER where only patients could be...I chatted in my dazed state with a guy who's hand was bleeding...he told me that he'd seen my story in Hitch the movie, and things would probably turn out fine...he said that it's a good test of D, and that it would work as a bonding experience for us...D sent me a text to say "hang in there, I'll come see you soon"...

He stayed with me the whole time and looked after me...I ended up
sleeping on his couch so that I wouldn't have to be alone at night...

he told me yesterday night that he's removed his profile from
the site...

I've just finished working on the film, and any and all free time that I had since Friday, with the exception of some much needed sleep Saturday on Sunday night, was spent with D...

he came to pick me up from set yesterday, and it was nice to have him there...at some point someone was asking about us...and he referred to me as his girlfriend...

I like it...my life lately has been to chaotic...I need some stability...I don't want to date multiple people...I like D...

here goes...apparently I have a boyfriend...

the accidental date...

2006-05-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

I read a few blogs which have become a daily routine...one of the bloggers writes about dating...his struggles...I sometime wonder why some people have such a seemingly hard time...

he's currently writing about his experiences with a personals site...I was curious to see his profile and what he looks like, as his witty writing seems like it should be attached to an attractive being..

we sometimes exchange e-mail, so he sent me the link to see his profile...ahhh there was a catch, apparently to view a profile on this site, you had to set one up of your own...

okay...I did, a basic blurb about me...likes interests etc...
checked him out...very cute...what the problem is ? I dunno?

within an hour I receive an e-mail notification, that I have a message waiting in my e-mail box on the site!?

apparently someone had checked out my profile (sans photo) and made contact...
I guess what triggered him, was our mutual love of a certain band...he's cute, and after a few e-mails, he asked if I'd like to go for drinks...sure...we exchange phone numbers, and over the last two weeks have talked a few times on the phone...

we agreed that today was when we were both free, so I'm thinking a few drinks somewhere downtown...

he called me a couple of days ago to say that he had made us a reservation at "N"...this is one of Toronto's newest trendy restaurants, which I hear from friends is amazing...with great food...

I'm a little apprehensive, as dinner is a big commitment for a blind (ish) date...but sometimes certain things turn out to be happy accidents...

Tomorrow I see S again!! Can't wait!

the walk...

2006-05-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

So...I met up with S in the market last night, where we grabbed a drink and talked...I was a little...ok, more than a little nervous...but we decided to take a walk, and as we did the conversation flowed, and I relaxed a bit...we ended up looking for a place to eat, and as I am so indecisive...as we passed that cafe, where I've only ever been for drinks, we made the decision to go in for dinner...

...this was my first time on their rooftop patio, it was such a beautiful night...we ate and talked a lot...and then there was this moment of silence...and he was starring at me and smiling...it was nice, but I had to go and break the silence by talking...after we left, we walked back East...and by a little bar, where in the window we could see this guy playing the guitar and singing on the stage...

we went in and had another drink, and watched his set...he was amazing, and only 18! after he played, he was selling his CD's...I bought one for me and one for S, as a memento of the night...we walked some more when it was over, and parted ways at my subway stop...

I like him alot...and the funny thing is I feel like he may feel the same way...The Journalist is nice, and very romantic, and I feel like he likes me, but I don't get "that" feeling... and the Editor was kewl, but on a friend level...but last night I felt something...a comfort level that was really amazing...

...we're planning to see a movie this weekend...I'm so looking forward to seeing him again...

Snap shots

2006-05-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

So the Journalist & I went on our second date on Sunday night...as part of a Photo Exhibition that's happening in the month of May, there are exhibits up all over the city at different venues...

we opted to check out some portraits of India...which were taken by a photographer who normally shoots fashion...

They were all Black & white...well maybe more of a sepia feel...and striking...

...his favorite beer is Hoegarden...go figure...he's nice...

.....................................................................................

On Thursday night, I met up with the editor at the Adidas party...we both got there at 8:15...and the guy at the door said that they were still setting up and it would be another 30mins...instead of standing in line, we go for a walk, and end up at a park not far from Queen street...we sat on the swings and talked about our lives...it was nice...an hour later we head back only to find that there's a HUGE line up...I call Becks (who's brother was one of the sponsors of the party) and she sends Amanda out...5 mins later, I hear my name being shouted over the group of people in the line...I grab the editor's and Cic's hand and we're saved from another hour outside...

There were a couple local bands...one of which was really good...they were cute, like 16-year-old versions of the Strokes...of course I ended up bumping into people that I haven't seen in such a long time...Like this really amazing Graffiti Artist from my teenage Graff phase...

There were t-shirts that they were giving out, and you could get in line and have them customized by artists that were there...

the editor was great, fun to hang out with...Interesting, cute...really nice to my friends...he had to work early the next morning...so we grabbed a couple shirts and I walked him home...we traded shirts and decided to customize each other's as a memento of the night...

I have a great idea for his...based on something that he told me earlier that night...

.....................................................................................

Tonight is Vespa guy...one of the more anticipated...I must admit...who knows...

I feel like my life has been on over drive lately...between Liam, and work, and creating more work, and painting my house, and trying to exercise more...If I slow down I will become less productive...

2007 Vacation Goal...Guatemala...

2006-05-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

Pouring...

2006-05-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

So for reasons which now seem stupid...I have refrained from going on dates with several people who have recently expressed interest...

NO MORE!

So tomorrow night the Editor asked me out...and our schedules are at long last compatible...I think that he'll come to the Adidas party with me...(pics to follow)..and to accommodate that, I had to cancel on the Art guy...or reschedule for next week..

Vespa guy and I are in conversations which I feel will lead to a date sometime in the coming week...

and I'm booked next Tuesday to go rollerblading...

Not to mention the Journalist, which I hope to see again sometime soon...

Now the debate...straight or curly hair for tomorrow night?! Heels or Flats, Dress or pants...

I am finally starting to feel happy...

That last sentence looks like I'm feeling happy, based on these dates...and while they do have something to do with it...the better weather helps...I'm managing to excercise more...things seem good in this moment...

2006-05-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

Fashion Cares

YYZ

2006-05-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

So the other night, the Journalist asked me what was the craziest thing that I've ever done...while the term "crazy" is relative...I didn't really have an answer for him until now!

I went to the Airport yesterday morning, birthday t-shirt in hand...to say good-bye to someone that I thought was my friend...I regret that we didn't get a chance to spend some time together while he was here, and am partially to blame, because I allowed fear to cloud my actions...

wrapped up in nerves and wondering if I had made the right decision, I finally saw him as he was checking into the Security gate...I walked over, and all that I could think was "there he is"...the physical image was added to the months of emotional that had already been established...

He was way better looking than I had ever imagined him to be...but in an instant...the friend that I had come to know, disappeared, only to be replaced by a moment that my mind will never forget...

I said his name, he looked up for a split-second...said mine...turned and grabbed his stuff and then kept walking...

I don't regret going, because the slap in the face, was maybe what I needed to realize that he wasn't who I thought he was...

Before Sunset...

2006-04-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

So I went out with the Dutch Journalist last night...I actually took a power nap yesterday afternoon, which was rare for me, but when I woke up it was 6:00! We were supposed to meet up at 7:00 downtown to catch the 7:15 showing of "Thank You For Smoking"...

I hurry and get dressed, and as my hair was still straight, it was much faster than usual to get ready...walk out to try and hail a taxi...manage to walk alost for 20 mins before I manage to flag one down...

Haven't been to the movies in a while...a trailer came on for that new Richard Linklater movie, which is along the same vane as Waking Life...I lean over and mention to D that I'll tell him something after...we alost say at the same time...Richard Linklater is my fav Director...

This would turn out to be our second of many coincidental similarities of the night...but as I don't believe in coincidences...hmmm...the first was that we both showed up wearing such similar outfits it was slightly strange...Jeans funky sneakers, and fitted leather jackets...He was wearing a plad Diesel shirt...I almost wore my purple plad Diesel shirt...that would have been too strange...

After the movie we discuss our favorites...and conclude that they are the same both Before Sunset and Before Sunrise...
We head over to Kharma's newly renovated restaurant and have a drink followed by a lovely dinner and conversation...the discovery that we are both only children sparks a discussion about how or what impact that may have had on our lives...we finish dinner and head to the Beach for a walk and more really good conversation...I learn of Holland...the culture and politics...of the Art Galleries in New York and London...

...at some point I let my guard down and relax...it was a great evening, with a new interesting friend...

Nina's words...

2006-04-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

(www.high-priestess.com/nemequittepas)<---English Translation

Ne me quitte pas
Il faut oublier
Tout peut s'oublier
Qui s'enfuit déjà
Oublier le temps
Des malentendus
Et le temps perdu
A savoir comment
Oublier ces heures
Qui tuaient parfois
A coups de pourquoi
Le coeur du bonheur

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Moi je t'offrirai
Des perles de pluie
Venues de pays
Oÿ il ne pleut pas
Je creuserai la terre
Jusqu'après ma mort
Pour couvrir ton corps
D'or et de lumière
Je ferai un domaine
Oÿ l'amour sera roi
Oÿ l'amour sera loi
Oÿ tu seras reine

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Je t'inventerai
Des mots insensés
Que tu comprendras
Je te parlerai
De ces amants-là
Qui ont vu deux fois
Leurs coeurs s'embraser
Je te raconterai
L'histoire de ce roi
Mort de n'avoir pas
Pu te rencontrer

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

On a vu souvent
Rejaillir le feu
De l'ancien volcan
Qu'on croyait trop vieux
Il est paraät-il
Des terres brulées
Donnant plus de blé
Qu'un meilleur avril
Et quand vient le soir
Pour qu'un ciel flamboie
Le rouge et le noir
Ne s'épousent-ils pas

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas
Je ne vais plus pleurer
Je ne vais plus parler
Je me cacherai là
A te regarder
Danser et sourire
Et à t'écouter
Chanter et puis rire
Laisse-moi devenir
L'ombre de ton ombre
L'ombre de ta main
L'ombre de ton chien

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

I AM OFFICIALLY AN IDIOT!

2006-04-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

IN CASE ANYONE WAS WONDERING...IT'S OFFICIAL...I AM AN IDIOT...AND APPARENTLY CANNOT READ PEOPLE AT ALL...

I was prepared to face my fears tonight...but i got stood up...

In case it wasn't clear before...I AM AN IDIOT!

I'm calm now...

2006-04-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

Don't know what got over me...managed to calm myself down and realize that I was all wrapped up in emotions over nothing?!!

Perspective is mine...

Swedish proverb:
Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

Shopping & Booze

2006-04-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

I somehow managed to organize an event...and it's tomorrow!
Should be fun...my house is covered in fabric...need to clean up...

this week...

2006-04-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

3 days and counting...I'm freaking out internally! There I've said it, it's out!
This is what i feel:Scared

Part of Speech:
adjective

Definition:
frightened

Synonyms:
afraid, aghast, anxious, fearful, panic-stricken, panicked, panicky, petrified, Scared silly, Scared stiff, shaken, startled, terrified, terror-stricken

afraid

Part of Speech:
adjective 1

Definition:
fearful

Synonyms:
abashed, aghast, alarmed, anxious, apprehensive, aroused, blanched, cowardly, cowed, daunted, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, faint-hearted, frightened, frozen, horrified, in awe, intimidated, nervous, panic-stricken, perplexed, perturbed, petrified, rattled, run Scared, Scared, Scared stiff, shocked, spooked, startled, stunned, suspicious, terrified, terror-stricken, timid, timorous, trembling, upset, worried

Thursday will be exactly 6 months to the day of our initial contact! Six months since we realized that there was some kind of connection, since we've shared thoughts and feelings, since we stopped talking, since I couldn't forget him no matter how hard I tried, since his reservations were dropped, since we became friends, since we developed a mutual wonder...will our "connection" be more than this e-relationship that we now have...

And now he's less than 3,000kms away, way less than even 300kms away now...I feel like becoming invisible...why...I wanted it to be not such a big deal, but I was kidding myself to think that in my mind it wasn't...

We're friends, why is it such a big deal to meet a friend...because even though this will be our first physical meeting, he's known me for a while, and in some aspects, knows some of my inner thoughts and feelings more than anyone that ACTUALLY does know me!

Why am I freaking out...because I haven't felt this way about anyone...I care way too much, which is a good thing?!

...

2006-03-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

Get Schooled...

2006-03-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

What every almost-four-year-old needs!*

* According to Becks

Sad Happy People...

2006-03-27T06:28:00.000-08:00

On Saturday my friend Nat came over and we walked up to the Danforth with Liam to have some dinner...we ended up at our local Sushi joint and placed our order...soon after a couple came in with a child that was about 2 years old, maybe slightly younger...they ordered and then the wife pulls out a portable DVD player, inserts a dvd and places it in front of the child...?! Much to my horror...he sat totally transfixed for the greater part of their dinner?! What is happening with people these days?! We had Liam with us, who has been going out for dinner with me since he was an infant...how is that child supposed to learn how to behave in such a setting if the parents are too lazy to train him!?

..................

And later on that night...I met up with Becks & Tiff at a club where this really good Dj was spinning...it's been a long while since I've gone out to dance to some good music...the club was small and cute, and the music was great and not so loud that you couldn't carry on a conversation...we danced for a while and then our friend Mikey came to meet up with us, sadly he and I were perhaps the only sober ones in the entire club...we were happy to just hang out with each other and dance...sadly too was the fact that the people there were all probably over 25, and most of them were on E?!

It amazed me to see how many people were so sad that they induced themselves into a chemically happy state...

...at some point coming back from the washroom, someone slapped me on the butt, I turn around to see this blond girl sitting with a guy on the bench behind me...of course the guy points to the girl, and she looks pissed off, gets up and leaves, when said guy, pulls me down and says "sit and talk with me"...we had met for 2 seconds earlier, he reminds me of this and I am kind of feeling like, oh no, not another guy hopped up on e...he finds it great that I remember his name, and I tell him that it's because I'm sober! He laughs, and mentions that he noticed that I was looking after my friends...and how I seemed to be the one in the group that has been thrown into the maternal role...I never looked at it like that...we talk some more, and end up having a really good conversation...it Turns out that he is a Cartoonist for the Globe & Mail, and he's has been blessed with a career that enables him to do something that he loves and get paid well for it...which, further allows him to do things that inspire him...we end up talking about the sad state of most of the people around us...and about our friends that were there, and how important it is to have good friend surround you...it was nice...

Being & Doing

2006-03-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

so i am on both ends of a situation, and the "being" end is making me feel desolate...

It's been 3 weeks since I started ignoring someone...he was wrong for me, and now I have let him go...and I feel on many levels a lot better...but in as long as I have ignored him, someone else has been ignoring me....and it doesn't feel so great...

It's been almost six months, and I can't no matter how hard I try erase this person from occupying a spot in my mind...but it seems like they've given up before we even had a chance to start...

My Two Best Friends

2006-03-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

Liam & Becks Create Pumpkin Masterpieces

Groupie...

2006-03-06T06:11:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night I had tickets to see Bedouin Soundclash...Becks bailed at the last minute...Amanda came with me instead...and it was amazing...

It started with Amanda getting felt up while being frisked at the door...I was in front and I heard this scream of laughter from behind...haha...

It was an all ages show...(never been to one before)...but basically all of the BAR areas were fenced in...and on the inside of the cages were people within the same age group as us...mixed up with the parents of kids that were at the show...

We had a few drinks and waited for the opening bands...

What covered the cost of the tickets for me alone...was this DJ from San Francisco called Mike Relm... I have developed a crush! Is set lasted about 45mins...and the music was a huge range of genres which all melded together perfectly...he had screens with visuals that corresponded with what his was spinning & scratching...
He ended the set with visuals of him on the screen with a Clipboard turning pages that had the lyrics of IMAGINE by John Lennon on it...and everyone sang along...the thing about him, was that he was so into the music, he was dancing and singing to himself...He's doing a show at Lee's Palace next Thursday...I must go...

Bedouin Soundclash are fantastic! The best way to describe them would be as a meld of Reggae, Ska & Punk...and Live...nothing tops it!!

We left the show and went over to Becks...where Mikey made me some IceCream berry Martinis...we chatted until 4am...Mikey and his friend that was visiting from England had just gotten back from Whistler that day, so they told me all about their snowboarding adventures and driving the Ford F150 in Vancouver...

Yesterday we all went to brunch at Mimi's...it was great...all crammed into a booth with the same sparkle blue vinyl that was on the Banana seat of my bike when I was a kid...

2006-03-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

I am existing on exactly 2 hours of sleep...how...I'm not exactly sure...

Yesterday, I got a text from K in the middle of the day: "Lets see King Kong tonight, you know you love Jack"...and yes I do love Mr. Black...

He had tried to , text, call my cell, call my house, call my cell again, with no response from me on Monday night...

Fine, I conced to seeing the movie, but trun down drinks and dinner before hand...I wait for my laundry to dry and call a cab, it arrives at 9:26pm...I arrive at the Theatre at 9:34pm! 8 minutes from my house to the Beaches, which is usually a 17 min ride...I thank him and hop out...the movie has just started...we grab some drinks and popcorn and find some seats...

...At 11:30pm I get up for a washroom break...and K informs me that the movie still has an hour to go?!! It was bad...the scenes with the Dinasours?! What???!! at 12:30am, we wander towards Fitzgerald's and park ourselves at a table with two cozy lounge chairs...I tell the waitress to surprise me from the drink menu...

...she brings me an Ammareto Sour...ahhh...no almonds...how could she have known...there was a table of teens nearby, and I over-heard that it was the one girl's birthday...I asked the Waitress to send over the drink on our behalf...they were surprised...and the BF came over to thank us...slightly tipsy...it was cute...

Second try...a Harvy Wallbanger...tastes alot the orange creamcicles that we used to have when we were kids...

...and then K puts his hands down on the table...as if to spread out cards...and that's exactly what he said...he was laying out his cards for me to see...

...he's realized that he's developed these strong feelings for me...and has been ignoring them because he was dealing with work and his daughter's mother and all of her stress...but he also mentioned that they haven't gone away...and he realized that if he doesn't make a decision, he will loose me...we walk back to his house along the Beach...and I climb some rocks onto the pier and look at the stars...the water was calm...it was nice...

he talks...i listen and really study his face...very genuine...we decide to stay up all night...

...at some point there is silence...and then he says what I least expected...I LOVE YOU...and I say nothing...he has eluded to this for a while, but hearing those words from him, silenced me...

I feel kind of torn...what happens now...something I probably shouldn't be thinking about on such little sleep...I need some lunch...

seeing things...

2006-02-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

So I was on the streetcar about a month ago, and as we were nearing the Toronto Sun Newspaper building, I had flashbacks about my friend Kev...I used to work for a film company that was a few blocks away, and would often knock on the glass of his street-facing window, and we would go for Drinks...

as I reminisced about the good old days, as he's since moved to and back from Japan and married, I look into what used to be his office...I nearly fainted right there on the packed streetcar...I thought that I saw Kev in his old office...no couldn't be...

After several more times of passing the Sun, and seeing what looked like Kev, I though that for sure I must have some unresolved feelings for him, as I keep imagining seeing him!

Nope...today I bravely called the Sun, and dialed his name into their directory...Voila...left a voicemail...and as I type this I just got off the phone with him...!

OMG...It's been a while...we dated 7 years ago, and then became good friends...lost touch for a year or so, it will be great to catch up!

Hustle...

2006-02-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

So I've been a bit of a hermit lately...but I seem to have made up for it on Sunday...Becks is back from Mexico, so I heard tales of her Yoga Retreat experience, and of one "Juan-Carlos"...who drove her to the airport in his Brand New BMW (???#)...only to be on a plane full of "working girls" and their handler, on their way to Cancun...the fun I missed...

Becks, Amanda, Liam and I, decided to have Brunch on Sunday at this place on the Danforth that was now doing an "Organic" brunch menu...they ordered off that menu, and I ordered the regular Eggs Benny...the presentation was exactly the same...who could tell the difference...could you taste it...nope...the tab on their plates $14.95, mine $8.95??? hmmm...

From there we went off to do some thrift store hunting...then Amanda dropped us off at Becks and we caught up...

Liam went off to have Sunday dinner with his dad, and Becks and I after a quick change, went to the opening of this new Indian Restaurant called Payal...we first stopped to pick up her friend Sarah, and see her new apartment...She is an olympic athlete, and has spent the greater part of the last 10 years training in Vancouver(Women's 8 Rowing)...the concierge at the front door offered to park B's car, but we had stashed it in the parking lot of the LCBO...complete with extravagant outdoor fountains and rock sculptures...

The apartment was like entering a 4-star hotel...we grab Sarah and we're off...
Greeted with Champagne and Indian music...we meet the host and grab a corner table...Amanda and Garner (LA Producer) join us, and we chat...after a few flutes of Champagne, and some yummy tastes of what the future has in store for Payal, we decide to walk down to the Rosedale Diner for dinner...I have the best burger that I've had in a long while...probably because I like it done Rare, and there are few places where you can request that...

After that Becks and I (frozen) thank God that her car hasn't been towed from the LCBO Parking lot, and head over to the Video store...damn...so much I havn't seen...we decide on HUSTLE & FLOW, and IN HER SHOES (as our mandatory girly flick)...both of which were better than expected...

and!...I finished reading HOW HAPPY TO BE...it was a quick read, good...but maybe not deserving of all of the HYPE that it's been getting...

Stuck

2006-02-25T05:53:00.001-08:00

So this may sound completely ridiculous, but yesterday I was faced with the choice of several available spots on the streetcar...I chose the one that was beside a really cute guy...

and so it began...I hadn't really noticed, but he was holding an i-pod...at the next stop the seat across the Isle(<---That was for you M) from me was taken, and the man who sat down, instantly began sending e-mails via his crackberry...fine...

then cute guy to my right, starts laughing out loud...?! I look over and realize that his i-pod, is one of the new one where you can watch movies or tv on?!

then annoying man to my left starts having a full out conversation with someone, all about the pros and cons of taking a real estate agent...over the course of the ride, he basically repeats his advise 3 or 4 times, tring to sound like an expert...MOST ANNOYING...I let out several loud sighs as if to hint at the fact that there are other people around...ahem...me...trying to read my book...

my sighs were to no avail, as they were drowned out by his loud talk, and the laughter coming from my right...

I lean over to see what he was watching...an episode of "Arrested Development"...ok, he gets points for that, it's a pretty funny show...

Finally loud man gets off...and a few stops later cute laughing guy also gets up to get of,f rubbing against me in his exit...I sit back down and look up at the door where he is standing, he looks directly at me...we share a gaze...

...alone at last...time to read...

damn my stop is next...!

Vivid...

2006-02-23T14:40:00.000-08:00

This dream was so real, I could feel the water dripping down our faces...but most of all I could feel the joy of what it would be like if we were together...

...and because of it, visions of you have been haunting me...

Becks comes back from Mexico today, and she's only been gone for two weeks, but I've missed her alot...In the past month, I've been having this feeling of true appreciation for the people around me that I love and care about...I don't know what sparked it, but I'm also feeling alot better about myself...

...which in turn is a bit of a motivation to do more! The Inspiration is coming back...

beautiful things...

2006-02-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

For some reason, my computer won't let me post pictures on my blog! And lately that seem like that's all that I want to post...

The weather here has been so crazy, the last week in January was as warm as Early fall, then it froze, and now it's somewhere in-between! I seem to be managing to get through this winter, not as down as I though I would be! When I review the last 9 months, my life has gone through some major changes...and I'm finally starting to feel better...

...I was reading this Interview with Marc Jacobs today, and he was talking about surrounding himself with beautiful things...

...Fafi has designed a line of shoes in a collaboration with Adidas...Yeah...

I will even make the sacrifice and wear the dreaded colour...but only for Fafi!

Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it will always be better when we're together

My lucky star

2006-01-28T03:32:00.000-08:00

And i want you to know
That someone will be there for you
And i need you to know
That someone i will care for you

easy...

2006-01-23T12:08:00.000-08:00

I met Cicely's dad the other day...one thing that he said when commenting on the relationship that he has with his wife...is that...if it's a good relationship...it's easy...it just flows...

I want a partner who is supportive of me and what I want to do and be...and I will be equally supportive of them...I want a best friend who gets excited at the prospect of OUR future plans, I want someone to kiss my forehead and rent movies with me when I'm sick...I will settle for nothing less...

In the Mood for Live Music...

2006-01-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday afternoon I had a job interview...which took me to Queen Street West...I had a few minutes to kill, so I popped into M-one-11 this new store that opened up...the line is from Australia and this is their first Toronto location...Right away there was this awesome t-shirt that called to me...black with a multi-coloured screen print of tree branches...It was $70 and 30% off...as the guy behind the counter and I made some small talk, I decided that the shirt had to go home with me... I asked him what would it take to make the shirt 75% off...he budged slightly...I promised to always come back and shop there and tell all of my friends about the store! He still was on the fence...so I put the shirt on the counter and said I have to run, but I promise to come back in 30mins and buy the shirt if it's 75% off upon my return...

...30mins later and the shirt and a pretty cool hat were both mine for $35 all in! He was nice, I will go back because so are the clothes! He said so "if your not doing anything on Friday night, you should check this out"...he gave me tickets to a show and a CD...the singer is Kate Rogers...the show is tonight at the Gypsy Co-op...

I'm wearing the shirt today...I LOVE it!

Aspiration #3

2006-01-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

...I aspire to not take anyone or anything for granted....

Someone told me the other day, that "Love is independent of Proximity"...

My Dirty Little Secret

2006-01-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

I've come to terms that I am an addict! And they say that whether you are using or not, once an addict, always an addict!

Thanks to Tim Horton's, I've once again fallen off the wagon...I am addicted to Donuts! One in particular that I discovered last winter which was featured in my local Tim's called the "Chocolate Snowflake"...think Boston Cream, replace the custard with a sugary whipped cream...My initial addiction lasted a month, and then it was over, because they no longer made them! After a small detox I managed to move on...

...only to wander into the Tim's at King & John late one summer night with Cicely, and find my vice starring me in the face from behind the shiny glass showcase! They have it all year round!

...I would sometimes buy 3...

...I went to Tim's last week,only to find that it's back at all locations...must be the featured of the month...I've already had 3!...

Aspiration # 2: To Face My Fears and Conquer them!

The Best Gift Ever!

2006-01-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

I got the best gift ever last night...and all that I can do is borrow some words from Sarah the Great, as I am now possessed...

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

Here we are in 2006

2006-01-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

So I suppose I should be coming up with a list...in talking to Becks today, she said she limited her's to 10 things and they are more of Aspirations rather then Resolutions...

...Off I go to make my list..

#1: I aspire to Love and be Loved...which will make all things possible...

Fuck Vulnerability!!!!!!!!

2005-12-29T23:09:00.000-08:00

So this afternoon I get a text from K saying he's back in TO and inquiring as to the quality of the ice, as we are supposed to go skating tomorrow...we text back and forth, I go to Yorkville to get my hair done, so I say that I'll call him later...

...this is now later...and the call ended an hour ago...

...I am an IDIOT!

..We talked for over an hour, about how our holidays were and how his daughter is and he played me parts of the "mix tape" that he made for his sister...and then he told me that he missed me...and he hadn't really realized it until tonight when he heard my voice...I repeat...I am and IDIOT!...

...We talked about tomorrow and skating and going out after...and then I asked him how things went with his daughter's mother...

...well I give him points for his honesty, because true to his promise never to lie to me...he didn't!...Apparently things went "too well" as he put it? wow...he said that it was what he least expected...but now that it's happened he feels like it's the right thing to do...

...I tried my absolute best not to show any negative emotion in my voice, I think that I did a good job...I told him that I was happy for him, and that he has to do what is best for his daughter...we were silent for a while listening to the CD...and then he asked me what I was thinking...I said that it didn't matter...he said that he wants to tell her about me, and I asked why?

...He said that he wants us to continue where we left off...and all the while my inner voice keeps telling me "Your and Idiot!"...He started talking about having a polygamous relationship, and how he thinks that it could be a good thing...And I just kept silently asking myself how I could be so stupid in not being a better judge of character..

...I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I do beleive him when he said that he never saw that coming, but with the holidays and everyone in good spirits, it was just the natural progression...Although I did see it coming, and I believed him that there was nothing there....I am an Idiot!

...He asked me to not make a decision about us in haste...I just don't know what to think now...I can't compete with the mother of his child...nor would I feel right doing so...I don't want to compete...I am a good person, and I know given the right circumstances that I could un-conditionally love someone...

...near the end of the conversation I could feel myself breaking, so I said good-night and that we would talk tomorrow and I hung up...

...I hate that I let my guard down...!!!! I can't stand how this feels...I know that when I see him tomorrow, things will feel different, and I hate that ...I told him that we had a good run, and we have nothing but good to look back on...and he just kept saying that it doesn't have to be over...

...my friend M is going through this same situation right now...she met someone when he was split from his wife...they fell in love, and for some reason, guilt I think, he got back with his wife...he lives a double life, with his wife because of his daughter...but in love with M...and I see how that tears her apart and how she deserves so much more...and I can 't fall into the same pain...

...I asked him what would be the use of prolonging us, as it seems clear what is inevitable...he said you never know what's going to happen...but that seems like a cop out to me...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I AM AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vulnerability SUCKS!
I'm downing some Smirnoff and attempting to re-numb myself...so I opened up, and it seems like being numb was a whole lot safer....

4:20 iii...

2005-12-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

...So on Sandra's advice, I decide that Liam and I need to go for a walk...I need some eyebrow maintenence, and Liam could use a treat...we head out...sans cell phone, so as to not be neurotically checking it every second...my usual Ruby is closed for the holidays, so I check out this other place, which is far too busy...I will have unkempt eyebrows until Thursday! On Liam's demand we pick up a treat and hop in a cab to come home...

3 new text Messages...hmm...could it be...and it's only 2:20pm...he still unknowingly had 2 hours....

The first two were from K! Saying Happy Birthday! and that he was still in London with the family until Thursday, and without the charger for his Crackberry, which was slowly dying, and that he hoped that his message reached me...and that he hoped I had an awsome birthday...

The third was from M...THANK YOU! When I glanced at my screen I saw MJL flashing with the little wings on each side indicating that I have a new text...I remember how excited I used to be when they were from you! Ok maybe I still am a little bit...

...as all of my compadres are out of town...the drinks night will be pushed back to this Friday night...

4:20 ii...

2005-12-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'm making it seem like something bad happened to lead us in the wrong direction, when in fact it has been nothing but good...It's just that we haven't seen each other in over a week and that time has lead me to thinking up all kinds of reasons why it's not going to work out...probably my own insecurities manifesting themselves in the silence between K & I...

...I just got a call from Sandra, inviting me over this evening for some creative brainstorming and company...Her wise advice to me was that I should just let go...don't make any crazy deadlines, and spend wasted time hurting my heart...just let go...if he comes back then it was meant to be...if not, at least I will not have worried all along...ahhhhhh

4:20 deadline...

2005-12-26T06:45:00.000-08:00

I used to think that I was pretty perceptive...I'm not so sure anymore?

Today is my birthday, I don't feel any different...but with an advance in the number, comes one in expectations..."you should", "by now", "when I was your age"...

I held out for so long and then I caved yesterday evening...I sent a text to K...it said that I hoped he was having a great time and that the other day I found myself watching Liverpool vs Manchester United and thinking of him...and that I was looking forward to our B-day playdate today...no word...Cicely sent me a text from Paris regarding this matter...she said that she hopes that he calls me, but if he doesn't I shouldn't be texting him anymore...

I don't know what to think? Last week when we made the plan, he seemed excited, and now the day is here, and I can only wait, and wonder if he's going to call...I feel like i'm 17...I set an alarm in my cell...he has until 4:20pm to call me today...

In reality, this is STUPID! Cic also said, you know no matter how busy someone is, it only takes two minutes to send a text? Becks said that it depends, maybe he just is so over-whelmed with the whole family thing that he's waiting for it to be over...

...so what is the Universe trying to tell me anyway...in the past 4 months I've got two glimpses into what seemed like potential happiness only to have both of them just kind of fade away...I should clairify that I do have other sources of happiness in my life, but in regards to unconditional love and support, something is lacking...

...I don't anticipate that he'll be calling me today, and I'll go through the motions and try to smile, but inside I'll be sad, wishing that he was there to hug me...

I hate the Holidays

2005-12-23T13:18:00.000-08:00

I feel alone...I hate the holidays...I used to think that I didn't care about not celebrating Christmas, and perhaps I don't, but what I envy is that all of my friends are away with their famalies for 4 or 5 days, and I will be alone...in a half-empty apartment wondering how I got to this point, and kicking myself that I didn't do things differently...I keep preaching that "one should not have regrets", but I can't seem to practice what I want to beleive...I am a hyprocrite!

I realize that the most toxic relationship that I have in my life right now is my mother...she has me questioning my sanity...she takes every opportunity to point out to me what a looser I am, and I have no strength to argue with her...I want to die...I just want to vanish and not be around anymore...but I can't be that selfish, because I have Liam to care for...

I want to erase K from my mind...if I could I would, because he made me feel like I could love someone, and how good it feels to be falling in love, he sees all of the good in me, but I feel like that's not enough...if my own mother doesn't beleive in me and trust me and support me, why should he...

I want to scream, I can't...I have to hold it together for Li...I'm exhausted...

2005-12-20T12:53:00.000-08:00

So I put Liam to bed last night, and still no word from K...I fall asleep and a couple of hours later a bad dream wakes me up...it's only 10pm...I call K and we talk for a while and I can hear stress in his voice, and he tells me that he had a horrible day, and I tell him nothing can be worse that what happened to me...and he sends me a hug through the phone...and I ask if we're going to see each other Today and he says that he has to go and finish that CD that he's making for his sister, so no...which saddens me a little bit...I say good-bye, and go to sleep...

...this morning I left this long rambling message to Cicely, that I feel like he's pulling away, blah, blah, blah...and less then five mins later there is a text from him, saying that Today is a new day and he hopes that it is a great one for me! So thoughtful, and always at the right moment...we've had small texts back and forth today...the last thing that I said, was that I hope that he has a great week with his dad, and that when he sees his daughter to give her a secret kiss from me...and to set an alarm in his Crackberry for the 26th, for Birthday Skating and Drinks!

Rebecca and Cicely, made a very good subjective point, give him some space! This is a crazy hectic week for everyone, especially with what he is trying to juggle...and look to pick up where things left off in the new year! Or at the least at the end of next week after all of the X-mas chaos!

...Liam will go to his Grandparents for X-mas, and I plan to paint and re-arrange my house!! Which might end up just smoking joints and watching romantic comedies? The girls are going to come over next Monday for my birthday drinks night!

As much as I know that I'm going to miss K, I know that this week, and the space will prove a good thing for us...may be telling?!

And Michael...I'm already laughing!

BTW...You never told me if you're available on January 20th?

things that come in 3's...

2005-12-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

...so they say that bad things come in 3's...I woke up in the middle of the night with an uneasy feeling...maybe because I was thinking about K, or because Liam had a fever and that worried me? So Liam wakes up this morining at 6am, with a fever and he can't stop coughing...which has been worring me as he seems like he has been sick for like 3 weeks...I keep him home from preschool, for rest and debate whether I sould take him to the doctor, because he was just there last week, and diagnosed with a Viral infection, that just has to run it's course...

My mom picks him up at lunch and I attempt to go and do some work...only to get a call an hour later that the fever has returned...I then proceed to call and schedule a doctor's appointment which she takes him to, only to find out an hour later that he still has a bit of and ear infection and has to get some antiboitics...I direct her to my pharmacy and ask her to call me when she gets there so that I can give the pharmacist my Insurance #...

...Only to get one of the most horrifying calls, about half and hour later...apparently since Liam had a fever my mom didn't want to constantly be taking him in and out of her car...so she parked directly in front of the pharmacy and left him in the car!!! WHAT!!!! She tells me this in such a calm voice, I'm begining to question her reasoning...she looks out after 2 mins...all is fine...2more mins and her car is being hooked up to a tow truck!!! WHAT!!!! She ends up having to pay for them to release the car to her, and she gets a $60 and the parking police were 2 seconds away from calling the real police, as they hadn't noticed Liam in the back seat...I'm on the other end of the phone wanting to scream! He could have been taken away by children's aid?!!

She calmly tells me the story, and at the end somehow twisted it to be my fault?! I rush home...to have her drop him off...poor guy, he said that the "towers didn't know that there was a little boy in the car" and "they hurt my feelings"...I cry, and try to reasure him that he's home and safe and nothing like that will ever happen again! I feel very alone today...I've tried to call K, but no answer, which makes me wonder if " you should be careful what you wish for" is now ringing through...

I feel like I can do no right...every step I take and decision that I make, seems like it's wrong...I feel like I don't have the strength to do this alone, yet there is no one around for me to lean on...I', always having to be strong for everyone else...I am exhausted...I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to be held...

Listening to the hints...

2005-12-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

K & I met up last night and had drinks...I met one of his friends...and later on in the night, he would meet one of mine...

He did in fact buy skates, we took a taxi back to his place so that I could drop off my skates and change my clothes...we end up heading to Sandra's Photo Exhibit at 9:30pm...where we we have another drink and order dinner....the place was packed with all of her friends...it was a quaint little restaurant that holds about 40 people, and has deep red walls..which was nice because here photos are black and white...K bought one of Greta, Sandra's friend and one of the Dancer's in the National Ballet...we had an amazing dinner, and good company...we ended up closing the place down and doing shots with the owner...we walked Sandra home, and went back to K's where we passed out on the couch...I woke up early this morning so that I could watch the sun rise over the water...I took a mid-morning shower, and at some point K came into the bathroom and since the window was all steamed up, he wrote K + J surrounded in a heart on it...cute...

...we ended back at the restaurant this morning for Brunch...feelings are getting stronger....and I think that talking to Sandra today was one of those hints...she mentioned how people are fragile, and how we have to tread carefully, especially in new relationships...it's good to go into things honestly, so that each person knows the other's sore spots, and is very gentle with them...I liked that advise...She also told me about this movie called "what the*%!$$? , and K has seen it as well and was telling me about this man that would wrote words on water, and then took super close-up photos of the water...and how when he wrote positive words like Love the water looked like perfect snowflakes , beautiful...but when he wrote negative words, the water looked jagged and horrible..

...we plan to do the necessary shopping tomorrow...

...now tomorrow...

I get ready to go downtown to meet up with K this afternoon...Liam is coming with me...they were to meet...this was slightly weighing on my mind...but as Liam know all of my friends, for all intents and purposes..he's just meeting another one...Cicely was going to meet up with us as well and take Liam to do some activities while we shopped...I miss two calls while we are in the Subway...once from Cic...and the other from K...I rarely check messages...so Cic and Liam and I meet at Starbucks...and we do some browsing...after about 20 mins, I get this feeling like I should check my messages...one from K, saying that he got a call from the mother of his daughter, and she was sick and up all last night, and it was the Grandmother's birthday, and she needed him there for help...and like that he was gone...

...we just had this conversation yesterday, I was feeling some stress from Liam's dad...and K just rubbed my back and said ex's we both have them and will for a long time have to deal with them...In a strange way I am kind of relieved because in that same strange way I am feeling like I don't want this relationship to go any further...

...From K I have felt nothing but good, and happiness and trust and a feeling of being safe...and I don't want that to change...if it ended now...that 's how I would remember it...I fear that we are going to get involved and this will anger his daughter's mother and that will end us...I rationally know that I shouldn't be looking so far into the future, but I feel like we are/have fallen into a relationship, that may soon enough be love and it definitely scares me...

...

there are no coincidences...

2005-12-14T06:50:00.000-08:00

K broke out into song last night, he started signing the Billie Holliday song "Love me or Leave Me", which completely freaked me out...

We met at our joint, and had a latte, deciding what to do with our evening...he had his Firm's X-Mas party on monday night, and was quite tired, I'm still getting over a cold, and am tired as well...we grab a cab and head back to the Beaches...

I feel this ball of negativity brewing, but as the evening went on, it managed to subside...we walked along and went into every quaint store, look at the children's furniture for his daughter's room...go to yet another cute pub, which apparently back in the day was the catholic pub, with the protestant one, being down the street...

He introduces me to this beer, which I can't remember the name of, but I drink 2 half pints...we were there for maybe 2 hours, and he talked the whole time...I listened...He talked about his parents...his mom died when he was a year and a half, and he has no recollection of her...his father is only 19 years older than him...he told me about the first time he got drunk, and about the girl that he loved from a far in highschool...we talked about R & B, because he asked me why I was upset, and I talked about how cocerned I am for R, and how I feel helpless...he told me about his boss, and how he's a recovering addict, and how he's dealt with that...and then he started talking about us...

He said that he never wants to hurt me, which seems to be a huge concern for him, because he carries the guilt from his last relationship...and how he has feelings for me, which are a bit scary...and how crazy it is because it's only been 3 weeks, but because things happen for a reason, we need to explore what it is...(what are the odds?)

He asked me what he could do to not hurt me...and I asked him never to lie to me...we both aknowledged that we are both a bit scared, but that we shouldn't let that keep us from feeling...He asked me what I wanted...I said that I don't want to be alone...Even though I've been with someone for the past 6 years, I always felt alone...I'm tired of that feeling....

I said that Liam was my priority, and that anyone who enters my life would have to understand that, but he's in the same boat...He talked about his weekend and about the time that he spent with his daughter, and how proud of her he is...I could see his eyes light up...

We danced, and ate chocolates, and he told me about the "mix tape" he was compiling for his sister for Christmas...I had to leave, and he picked me up and wouldn't put me down...

...a friend that I haven't seen in a while is having a showing of her photos at this new restaurant that just opend up near his hosue...we're going on Friday night, she called to tell me that her short film that I worked on, is being pitched to be turned into a TV series, and that she want's me to be the Costume Designer, and!! She even named one of the Characters after me!!...he's going to buy some skates so that we can go skating after...

What's happening to me...

...what if i fall...what if i don't...

2005-12-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

...saw Gwen Stefani at the ACC last night...I think that I felt kind of ripped off...the show was so plastic...if I can describe a concert in that way...I'm more pissed off because Anna Nalick was in town, and I missed seeing her because of the $80 I had already spent on Gwen...

...talked to K last night about what his agenda is...he first began this whole thing about what he wants for the big picture...I told him that I'm not mature enough to be with someone who is seeing other people...and then Amanda mentioned to me today, that it has nothing to do with maturity, but rather what I Deserve! Something about him draws me in, but I feel like he might just be telling me things that he thinks I want to hear...I hate the fact that people are not all that straight forward...

...we shopped for his daughter this morning, and we're supposed to decorate her room next week...he said that he wants to tell her mother that he's seeing someone, but he's afraid that she won't take it very well...so he's waiting until after Christmas...they were never together...well, except for those 3 days in August...

...I think that things have caught up with me...I'm feeling over-whelmed...I've tried to be strong for so long...I've done this on my own, even when M was here, I've felt alone....

...What's my agenda? I want to breathe out...I don't want to be alone...I want someone that I can emotionally depend on...I want someone that I can trust...I want to be happy...

Pause... ( II )

2005-12-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

I was telling Rebecca the other day, that I wish that I could hit the pause button and put the world on hold for a week or two...have everything around me stop, so that I could have a chance to breathe in and find some balance...

...I feel pulled in every direction, my whole life is devoted to Liam, and for that I have no regrets...but I need to find time just for myself, and I find that it's usually at night, and I'm usually so exhausted that I end up sleeping instead of accomplishing any of the Zillion things on my "to-do" lists...

...I have amazing friends that are also busy, so when we actually have time to meet up, I can't refuse...I feel torn between sleep and catching up...and now I seem to be falling into a "relationship" can you call it that? I don't even know, it's been so long since I've been in the formative stages of one...

...the two schools of thought from my friends who have volunteered their opinions are...1) Don't ask anything...he owes you no expanations...just go with the flow...and 2) (which I think i subscribe to) ...everyone has an agenda...and I should know what his is, in order to make and informed decision on how I would like to proceed...

What does he want out of this...a casual fling? A girlfriend? A relationship? He told me that he's found what he was looking for? me?...what does he mean by that?

I think that I would like to know if he's seeing other people...because I I deserve more...and perhaps we are not meant to be...I don't have the ability to be that casual about things...

In an attempt to do things differently than my usual...I should look at this situation with all honesty...

I have been numb for a long time...I started to feel less so recently, and even made attemts to express how I feel to someone...according to him, our timing was off...distance also didn't help that situation...I tried to put him out of my mind...and along comes K...

I have to admit, the more I get to know him, the more I want to know...we are going through alot of the same things with our lives...he too had just ended a 6 year relationship...about 8 months ago, and he finally felt like he needed to start feeling again as well...he too has a young child...we have many of the same interests, we like each other...he told me the day after our first date, that we "fit"...

This is not what I had expected...for somthing like this to just hit me out of the blue...all I keep thinking of is "what if"...maybe I should just put that behind me and live in the now, and not the what could have been...

Zero 7 "destiny"

2005-12-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

he...

2005-12-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

he is a distraction...

I am distracting myself from thinking of you...I go through the motions...all the while wondering what your hands would be like in mine...and how your lips would taste on mine...and how your arms would feel around me...

...he tries to touch my heart...all the while oblivious that someone else haunts my soul...

LINGER...was for you...

What he says...

2005-12-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

...he says that we are magnets drawn to each other...
...he says that after our first date he was enriched by the experience and that i am a remarkable woman...
...he says that my touch heals him, my thoughts challenge him, and that I bring out the best in him, and I make him want to sing...
...he says that we fit...
...he says that he could easily love me...
...he says that I'm guarded...
...he says that I'm beautiful...

...he says that we have no control over this...

Remembering me...

2005-12-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

I stepped on to a freshly zambonied ice rink yesterday evening, and all at once I remembered myself...I have been gone for so long...the rush was amazing...I felt at home...I felt free, I felt happily alone...I felt like me!

Yesterday was a good day...After hanging out with Liam all day, I got ready and went to the Ice Rink downtown...they have a Figure Skating School, it has been calling my name...

My friend Natalie met me there, where she amused Liam, and I skated...I suppose the timing is right, the Numbness has that has controlled me for so long is now subsiding, and what I feel is slightly rejuvenated....

...After we got home, Liam's dad picked him up, and Natalie and I headed to our Sushi place for dinner....she proceeded to update me on what's happening with her life, and all of the changes...I told her that she seems happy, and she said that she is...after dating everyboy under the sun, she's settled down with a girl, and they're thinking of moving in together in the spring...and she made a good point...all too often people are quick to pidgin-hole others into certain categories...she doesn't consider herself a lesbian now, she just happens to be in love and a relationship with a woman...and I like that outlook...

...we discussed what's happening with me, and she said that I should focus on being happy, and if I am now, I shouldn't question it or over-analyze it...she's right...

I started to mix up the Ingredients for a Banana Cake last night, and then K called and asked if I wanted to come over...so I took the mix over to his house and we baked it there...it turned out really well...we danced in the living room, and it felt so natural...we iced the cake with chocolate icing and we reminisced about the cake that we had had at 7 West...we planned to start our Tango lessons tomorrow night...this morning I get a text from him saying he checked his calendar at work and he has a "thing"...My first thought is that he has another date, and this kind of made me feel jealous?! How can I be jealous? We're not officially in a relationship? ahhh...My friend told me over lunch today, that maybe I should get my own "things" to do so that I can not think about him and his?!

I'm not the type of person to date more than one person at a time...well, I have never done it, maybe I do need to go on some more dates with different people...she warned me to do so before I fall into another relationship...

...I've just been emancipated...I can't waste this time...

...the basics are that he has made me feel good, and for that I should be thankful...

more adventures to come...

Defrost

2005-12-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

So my guard was let down briefly, only to be put back up in full force...and now it seems to be coming down again...If the Universe is trying to tell me something, I really have to strain to hear what it it? I am exhausted...

Things happen for reasons...so why is this happening...my date of the other day, parlayed into 3 more since then, and I don't want to push him away...what does this mean?

It means that I need to relax, and with him I can...he's soothing, his voice calms me...when we sit on the couch and listen to the waves, I feel like were the only two people on the planet...when he kissed me that day in the rain, I felt like I was melting...when he hugs me I for the first time in a very long time feel safe...

All about Me...

2005-11-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I come across things and if I don't buy them right away I forget...but I want to remember, so here is my list...

-Tiger Necklace

-Andy Warhol Bag...this one is actually for Cicely

-Fornarina Coat (Carina Plu)

-Some Marc Jacobs Sunglasses

Linger...

2005-11-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

I want to be the one that you can't stop thinking about...I want the smell of my hair, and the feeling of my lips on yours, and way that you feel when we stare in to each others eyes, to haunt you...

"When you first see a new picture, you don't want to miss the boat. You have to be very careful. You might be staring at Van Gogh's ear."

2005-11-25T11:33:00.000-08:00

So chivalry is not dead...I had a date last night...the first one in about 6 years! wow...it was originally supposed to be coffee and a walk along Queen Street...that plan was thwarted by the crazy snow storm that we got on Tuesday Morning...too cold and too windy to go for a long walk...

...we meet at a cute pub in the Beaches...we have a drink and talk...I was extremely nervous...but we had a good rapor which helped..."are you sure that you like sushi" he asked me...yes, and I prefer Sashimi...so we head to the sushi place which is a few doors down...he orders for both of us, which was nice...and we proceed to talk and eat, and talk...

...we walk along the Beach, and the winds are so crazy that I think I'm going to get blown into the water! It's amazing seeing the wind control the water at night...the tides were high and it was beautiful...we stop at his place, which overlooks the lake, and have some tea, and he show me pictures of his daughter, and we smoke a joint...he calls me a cab, and tries to slip me $20 to pay for it...we hug...it was nice...

...I get a text message today...we are going to take Tango lessons...yeah...something I've been wanting to do for a while...

I really want to rent Basquiat tonight...I've been listening to the soundtrack lately...really good...

Limo Rides & Yorkville

2005-11-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

So on Thursday night, I did my first bit of volunteer work...it was so much fun I almost feel guilty!

The Cause: Cystic Fibrosis
The Event: Chauffeured Elegance... A Fund-Raiser for the
Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation

The night started out at an Art Gallery in Yorkville, where the guests were treated to cocktails hors d'oeuvres and a speech by Lisa Bentley, who won the Ironman Competition 8 Times, and has CF!!

From there we moved to this swank Restaurant/Lounge called Flow...more cocktails...a silent auction, a CF info room where guests could get information from two Genetic Specialists...

Then there were 6 Stretch SUV Limos which chauffeured the guests to Sassafraz, which was where the after-party was...

I met some amazing people, who I'm already keeping in touch with, and I can't wait for the next event!

firsts...

2005-11-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend...we talked about our firsts and it made me a little nostalgic...

I shocked her with the fact that my first kiss happened at 17! Yes 17!...and now that I look back at it, I wouldn't have changed a thing! The boy was AG, and yes he was a fellow figure-skater...I remember the first time that I saw him, it was at an annual competition that happens in Thornhill every August, the first big one of the skating season...He was an Ice-Dancer from Quebec...and I was smitten...I must have been 14...

Flash-forward to September of my OAC year in Highschool...second week in, we have addition to our classes...yes, AG! He had moved back to Ontario to train and find a new partner...and he was in all 3 of my classes! We soon become friends, study partners, and occasional training partners as we were both searching...he eventually finds L and proceeds to compete with her for season, there is a competition in Montreal in December...he asks if I want to come along...as his mom was the chaperon I have been granted permission by mine, and the week begins...This is my first taste of Montreal, and for the next few years I'm back and forth, as I have developed a slight addiction for the city...

The week of competition goes by, I catch up with friends that I haven't seen in a while and make some new ones...and on our final night some of his friends (non-skaters: and non-speakers of english!!) decide to take us out...the legal drinking age in Quebec is 18...I was 17 (look like 13) with no ID...turns out this is not a major problem there...it's the middle of one of those quiet snow-storms, the ones where everything in sight is covered in snow and looks so beautiful, and there are no other cars on the road...after several pick-ups, we head to this cute pub that's in an old house...One of his friends proceeds to buy me a beer (my first ever!), which when finished is replaced by another...after this the group decided to make a move...wow! This is what a buzz is like! Slightly more relaxed with the fact that I'm the only one not fluent in french...we move to our next stop...pool and more beer! By my fourth one I realize that the horrid taste of the first one is now replaced by a warm fuzzy feeling...his friends practice their english...I find it endearing...they decide to rent a movie, on our way out, A is more than nice helping me to the car...Some parts of what happens next are slightly less clear...We pull up to the Video store...exit friends...A and I end up locking lips...I didn't have the clarity of mind to even rationalize what was happening! It felt good...he slipped me the tongue! Wow...The alcohol coursing through our young veins, caused us to near third base...re-enter the friends...the rest of the night consisted with us watching some bad french movie and then heading back to the hotel at 5am...where A was most kind in carrying me to the room and making sure that I was okay...a few hours later I found out indeed, I was not! Yes...my first hang-over to complete my week of firsts...

All of that did not lead to A being my first boyfriend...but we did remain friends for the next few years, even ending up at he same University...he soon after met an older woman and fathered a child, and then got married...they now together run a successful Figure Skating School, somewhere north of Toronto...

Where was I going with all of this...ah yes...firsts...Montreal Turned out to be my city of Firsts in "many" ways...but that's another story...

The nostalgia over ex's reminded me of this book that I read called What She Saw...and then I stumbled onto this Blog that is dedicated to exactly that! Some good reading, as I am finding out...
The Ex-Girlfriend Project ...I'm on September 26th's Entry...

Withdrawn...

2005-11-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

So, maybe the connection was never real...maybe you were my Tyler...or maybe one day it will be real...I just hate "maybe"...

Yesterday I discovered that I like basketball...umm...okay, I like a PARTICULAR basketball player...Luke Rindour (#8-Seattle SuperSonics)...has found himself a small spot in my soft spot...

At noon yesterday I headed down to Union Station to meet a friend who had invited me to go and see a Toronto Raptors Game...couldn't hurt, good distraction from my current mindstate, which is actually not as bleak as it could be...and She happens to be seeing one of the Raptors, so that= Great Seats!

We arrange to meet at 12:30 in front of the Second Cup, upon my arrival I realize that there are two Second Cup Kiosks set up about 50 feet from each other...I take a gamble, grab a Pina Colada Muffin from the MMMMMuffins (which btw was good, but all of the muffins taste the same-Kind of like when you order a slushy from the ice cream truck) and proceed to look for some seating as I had a few minutes to kill...I find a row of seats with 4 chairs, there are two women to the left end, an empty seat in the middle, and a bag which is occupying the end right seat...I ask "is this seat taken" they say no, so I sit between the women and the bag...they then look up and notice that the bag is missing it's owner, they said that they didn't notice who was sitting there, and after a couple of minutes when they decide to leave, they pick up the bag, and head for the nearest security guard...halfway there this older gentleman in a suit scurries over to them, apparently the bag was his...

..."it has all of my poems and important papers, and my camera"...he proceeds to tell me, before placing the bag back down in the seat next to me and disappearing for a few seconds...he then comes and sits down beside me, and we converse....

...Immediately he asks me if I am Indian...which I am part, but I never get that as a first guess..he says that he can see it in my eyes...I ask him where he's from and he says India...although he was forced to live in Pakistan for some years, I learn that he now lives in Scarborough and he has four kids, he veers the conversation to matters of racism, and talks about how he went to inquire as to the schedule for the Go Train, and he was offererd up some gibberish, under the pretense that he didn't understand english very well, when it turns out that he had a Masters in English...and how he used to work for the Canadian Government doing translation, and was paid $35/page to Translate the South Asian Languages, and his counterparts who were doing the translation for the Germanic languages were paid $72/page...slight discrepancy there...he warned me about this a prevailing theme in our society that I needed to look out for...I tell him that I am aware of the Ignorance... (all this happens in the span of 10 mins)...I proceed to excuse myself for a minute, and look around to where the other Second Cup is...I see my friend at the pay phone and a second later my cell phone rings...I tell him that it was a pleasure to meet him and shake hands with him...and then I'm off...

There were several factors besides the seats that made it a great game:

1- There is a live DJ...actually there were two guys in the Dj Booth, and they were spinning amazing music! They rocked some Al Green & Old School Michael Jackson...!

2-All of the live action that you would never notice when you are watching it on TV...

3-Luke Rindour...Who I noticed Immediately in the warm-up...why...he was shorter than everyone on the court by far...in Basketball terms, short is 6'1"...and he was so cute...only to later find out that he carried his whole team, and he turned out to be the best player on the whole court! I kept cheering, everytime he made a basket, and my friend was so embarrassed because the whole her bf thing and apparently that meant that I shouldn't draw any negative attention to us...so as to not get hit with flying objects...that didn't stop me...

4-All of the laughter which was derived from the Raptors Dance pack and their horrible routines...

stir...

2005-11-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

The creative block continues...so I will attempt to change this by looking at some things that Inspire me...

My friend the Most Talented Jenny called to buy a purse last week...I need to design something fresh...

Fafi Kick Ass French Female Graff Artist, with Amazing all-round style!

Matthew Williamson...my Fav Designer...Given the Funds I wear only his clothes...

My friend Cary...who is amazingly talented and in RENT in NYC...

The Silver Manolos that I'm hoping to get at some point! In the mean time I have the knock-offs that I bought at Brown's for $130...

blah, blah, blah...

2005-11-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

LAYER ONE:
Name : J.
Birth Month : December
Birthplace : Etobicoke, Ontario, Canada
Current Location : Toronto
Eye Color : Brown
Height : 5'6"
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign : On the Cusp of Sagg & Capp (bit of both)

LAYER TWO:
Your heritage : East Indian and a Combination of White & Black (unknown)
The shoes you wore today : Black Leather Wedges
Your weakness : Good Huggers, and cake!
Your fears :
Your perfect pizza : White Cream Sauce with Goatsmilk Mozzerella, Smoked Salmon and Red Onions
Goal you’d like to achieve : Being Content...

LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on AIM : sup?!
Your first waking thoughts : Need More sleep...
Your best physical feature : My Butt & My Eyelashes
Your most missed memory : Floating Across A Freshly Zambonied Ice Rink

LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke : Diet Coke with Real Actual Lemon Slices in it!
McDonald’s or Burger King : McDonalds Started looking up after I watched "SuperSize Me"
Single or group dates : Depends
Adidas or Nike : Neither.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea : Neither...prefer Home-made (Earl Grey)
Chocolate or vanilla : Vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee : Cappuccino...prefer Tea though...

LAYER FIVE:
Smoke : Nope. ewww. Tried it a couple of times, made me sick!
Cuss : When I'm mad...
Sing : Sometimes in the shower...
Take a shower everyday : Almost, switch it up with Baths...
Do you think you’ve been in love : Not Turely Madly Deeply
Want to go to college : Been there done that...
Liked high school : Yes, half-days of school and half of skating suited me fine...
Want to get married : Again? If I fall truely, madly, deeply in LOVE...yes...
Believe in yourself : Starting to more lately...
Get motion sickness : Yes, When I read in the car...and I did on a cruise on some rocky seas...
Think you’re attractive : I have my days...
Think you’re a health freak : I try to stay healthy...
Get along with your parent(s) : I get along with her as long as I comprimise myself..
Like thunderstorms : Yes, watching the crazy cloud patterns is amazing...
Play an instrument : Some piano...Moonlight Sonata

LAYER SIX: In the past month…
Drank alcohol : Smirnoff Sour Apple Vodka Cooler on Halloween
Smoked : nope!
Done a drug : Got buzzed twice...to let off some steam...
Made Out : For 5 mins with Zizou...
Gone on a date : Nope...
Gone to the mall? : Yep...peril of the job...
Eaten an entire box of Oreos? : eww...
Eaten sushi : Might as well Buy Stock in Sushi Delight, sometimes I see Jim Cuddy there...usually have Tuna Sasimi and LA Rolls...yumm...
Been on stage : Not lately
Been dumped : nope...
Gone skating : soon...
Made homemade cookies : Chocolate chip cookies...
Gone skinny dipping : In the bath...
Dyed your hair : Still Deciding on the new colour...
Stolen Anything : Glances...

LAYER SEVEN: Ever…
Played a game that required removal of clothing : Stupid Drinking Game in University...I won...most of my clothes stayed on...
If so, was it mixed company : ? What kind of question is this...?
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated : Once or twice
Been caught “doing something” : Define “something.” Nope...
Been called a tease : No, not really.
Gotten beaten up : Yes, but I don't want to discuss it...
Shoplifted : Nope...
Changed who you were to fit in : Yeah, but I realized that that sucks! Much wiser now!

LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married : Not sure, when I fall madly in love...
Numbers and Names of Children : One, Liam (age:3)
Describe your Dream Wedding : Surrounded by all of my friends on a beach somewhere...
How do you want to die : When I've lived a long full life...not prolonged...
Where you want to go to college : Already Did, went to LaSalle in Montreal
What do you want to be when you grow up : Apparently I'm supposed to be grown up already, sometimes it doesn't feel that way...
What country would you most like to visit : Australia , France & Spain

LAYER NINE:
Number of drugs taken illegally : Define Illegal...hmmm...3...
Number of people I could trust with my life : 3...
Number of CDs that I own : Alot less now...
Number of piercings : 3...
Number of tattoos : None...
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? : One that I'm aware of...
Number of scars on my body : Small scar above my left eye, happened when I was 3 at the DMV...ran into a counter, small gash on my right thigh, landed a jump the wrong way and my skate blade dug into my leg...5" scar in my pelvic area from having Liam via C-Section...one on my right knee...from falling a few weeks ago when I was doing my laundry...
Number of things in my past that I regret : I'm learning lately that one shouldn't have regrets...they take too much time that could be better spent elsewhere...

h e l p l e s s . . .

2005-11-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

Chopra speaks about how the Universe is constantly speaking to us, and how we have to learn to observe the subtilties...Yesterday, I was contemplating re-numbing myself, because this whole feeling thing is a tad bit over-whelming...the matter of Fight Club, was one of those subtilties...I remain part of the land of those that feel...

"every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
i'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
i do what i have to do
but i have the sense
to recognize
that i don't know how to let you go
i don't know how to let you go"
_____________________________________________________________

What do you say to someone, when they get the news that a loved one has died? At that very moment, all of the empathy that you can muster up, truly feels like a drop of water into a huge barrel. You feel HELPLESS...

_____________________________________________________________

I'm sick again, and I didn't feel it coming, so I was unable to do the Cold FX Pre-treatment!

_____________________________________________________________

So I finally looked my fear in the face, and proceeded to be proactive, why am I still scared? The division of property is one of the final stages...I feel in a way like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders...But the un-known ahead is a little daunting...

_____________________________________________________________

Saturday Night

2005-11-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

So on Saturday night at around 7:30, my BRILLIANTLY creative friend Amanda comes over to my house, with a huge box of shiny fabric...we sit and talk for over an hour, there is the same fabric in about 6 colours, I decide to make something in purple, Amanda opts for Dark Green...Deciding that purple may be a little to predictable for me, I change my mind and go for the Gold, and then Amanda decides that she too wants to wear gold...we decide to make tube dresses, as they are simple to construct and the clock is ticking, 10 mins into the cutting and measuring, BOOM! it hits "Solid Gold Dancers"...we are stoked...less than an hour later we are outfitted with two identical costumes...and we're off to Amanda's to get ready, with a pit stop at the LCBO...We get dressed and hop in a cab and tell the taxi driver that we're going to "hooters"...as we were going to the loft building across the street...we meet up with Monique there and head in...to my pleasant surprise, everyone had a costume on! We're not even in the door before this guy stops us and says "Solid Gold Dancers" right?! So several taxis and loft parties later we end up once again at Sneeky Dees...where we are beckoned by a table of 3 guys that I thought Amanda knew as she headed over there, they ask us to join them and we do for about five minutes, we move to our own spot...eat and reminisce about the night...

see me...

2005-10-30T19:57:00.000-08:00

They say that the only things worth having, are the ones which require some sort of struggle...

...so here I am looking at something that my heart is begging me to attain, knowing that the path that will lead me there is marked with obstacles...

...after much consideration, knowing that the easy way out would be to let the pecimistic side of me take over and over-rationalize why it shouldn't or couldn't be...

...I have decided to get ready to face the struggles...never have I ever felt like this ever! i want to embrace the connection and see where it takes us...I want you to know everything there is to know about me...and I want to know all of you...

In My Head

2005-10-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

Under the weight of your wings
You are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are
Nearly as beautiful as I believe

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

Under the weight of your wings
Should ever we meet on your side of the stereo
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts
And even the way that they mirror my own
I'll take you away in the way that you take me and go where I go

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So Friday night turned out to be the best Girl's Night Out that I've had in a while...Rebecca has just wrapped a long stretch of back-to-back commercials, and I really missed her...So Rebecca picked me up in a cab and we headed over to MUZIK, where we met up with Amanda and Monique and then Cicely...it was the last night of Fashion Week and packed...I had my hair straightened out, which I rarely do, and I think that I should do more often, seeing as I got the most compliments! The show was Parasuco, and I'm not really a fan, but their budget was alot bigger than some of the other shows, so visually, it was great to watch...

...started out with some Brazillian Drummers that took the runway, the crowd was clapping to the beats, it was almost hypnotic...we watched, and commented, had an amazing time...when the show was over we headed over to the on-site bar and had some Cosmos, and I bumped into this guy that I used to know from my skating days...he recently was at the Olympics and World Championships, It was good to see him...

...Monique said that she was supposed to meet up with a freind of a friend (that she didn't know), so we arranged for him to meet us at the after-party...when we got there it was also packed, Cic, Becks and Amanda headed to the bar, and Mo and I waited in the front for "tony"...all we knew was that he was British and was wearing a grey sweater...at some point we almost made one of those signs like at the airport...He finally showed up some time later, by then the other girls had already had some drinks and were ready for the next party...In the cab on the way to Spin Gallery, we found out that he was (no joke) a toilet-paper salesman...?! We get there and it's an engagement party for a friend of Cicely's, but there are like 250 people there, it was amazing...there was a DJ set up on a platform in the centre of the room (which is an actual art gallery), and the music and people-watching was superb...at some point I get introduced to the Groom-to-be, who was decked out in an amazing black velvet pin-striped suit!...and it turns out that we had met last year at a Halloween party, where he went as the "art dealer" from the movie Basquiat, and he was shocked that I got his obscure reference...we danced and then parted ways...Amanda, Cicley and I ended up at Sneaky-Dees on their prompting, I had never been!! It was also packed, which to me was a bit surprising as it was 2:30 am...ran into people that we knew there, had some amazing poutine...chatted and then cabbed home...good night...

Costumes...

2005-10-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

So Halloween is coming up, and I'm getting excited...because as a kid it was something that I was never allowed to participate in...Making up for it in the past 2 years...The pressure is on though, my friends and I usually go as a group and party hop...Last year we went as the female leads in Kill Bill...but this year I was thinking that we should do something a little sexier...

Since most of us are involved in the Film Industry, movie themes seem to always come up...this year one of the options that we're considering is from Sin City...the "Girls of Old Town"...and as we usually take characters who most resemble our own characteristics...I have been slotted in as "Gail"...Maybe anothe month at the gym...ahh..not enough time...

Now my sewing and wardrobe skills are going to be put to the test, as I have to figure out how to achieve the feel of her character, while not getting arrested for indecent exposure...

Bustling About

2005-10-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

Toronto Fashion Week began on Monday, and last night I styled a show for a label called BUSTLE...This Fashion Week is showcasing fashions for spring 2006, and the Bustle line was for VESPA...all of the clothes were bright European inspired looks...which will be sold in the spring at the Vespa stores...Fashion Television was doing a profile on Bustle, so there was a cameraman in our faces for most of the night...there were two scooters on the runway... I was a bit sad because since I was backstage working, I didn't actually get to see the show...After it was over I met up with my friend Olof who had come to meet me, and we had some drinks (I over-dosed on the Sugar-free Red Bull), and people watched, we had our picture taken by this photographer...I had a manicure...and then we lined up to go and watch the final two shows of the night...in the line up I met up with Michael on of the models that was in my show...we hadn't really had a chance to talk before, but for the rest of the night we chatted...he drove us over to the after-party, which was intimate, just the models, the designers and some friends, which was fun...we chatted some more, and we took crazy pictures on the Vespa that was there...He's going to be in the Parasuco show on Friday night, we're going to hang out...

Inside...

2005-10-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

I found this list on another Blogger's page, and I like the format...I've been meaning to make a list like this...so here goes...

seven things i hate or that scare me:

1. Dentists
2. Hate
3. A willful lack of desire to improve the efficiency, merit, effectiveness or usefulness of one's actions
4. Dark Winters
5. Spontaneity
6. Organized Religions
7. Flying

seven things that i like:

1. Donuts
2. Good graffiti
3. The smell of Lilacs in the Spring
4. Coronation Street
5. Authentic People
6. Spontaneity
7. Shoes

seven random things about me:

1. I love the Ballet...
2. My humor is based in sarcasm, which sometimes people don't get...
3. My favorite colour is purple, even though I'm told it's a sign of sexual frustration...
4. I like to dip McDonald's french fries in hot fudge sauce...
5. Ironically, I procrastinate yet I am impatient...
6. I'm a hopeless romantic...
7. I'm finally coming to terms and accepting my Crazy curly Hair...

seven things to do before I die:

1. travel the world...
2. find my father...
3. perfect the tango...
4. fall in love...
5. make a true positive difference in someone else's life...
6. finish learning how to play the piano...
7. be completely satisfied with who I am...

seven things that i can do:

1. Surprise People
2. Listen
3. Give Good Hugs
4. Use chopsticks
5. Bake A wicked Banana Cake (new skill)...
6. Balance on one leg with the other raised to a level above my head-while moving, on ice...
7. Make origami flowers...

seven things that i can't, or won't, do:

1. Compromise who I am for other's expectations
2. Eat Peanuts
3. Sky-Dive
4. Mushrooms ever again!!
5. Embrace the colour pink
6. Wear Pleather
7. Loose Hope

seven things that i say the most:

1. Oh My God
2. Hey You!
3. Shut Up
4. That's Amazing
5. That' Weird
6. Thank You
7. Perhaps

seven celeb crushes:
1. Ethan Hawke
2. Josh Lucas
3. Ryan Gosling
4. Jim Cuddy
5. Molly Parker
6. Philip Seymour Hoffman
7. Rachel McAdams

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

-Anna Nalick "Breathe"

Lot 332

2005-10-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

So the fitting went well this afternoon...I was helping with the styling of the "boys" all of whom were not prudish...some pleasant eye-candy...One in particular, was going out of his way to be helpful to me, which was nice...when it was over he said that he was going to Lot 332 or 233 whatever it's called, and that I should come...perhaps...

I hung out with Cicely this evening...it funny because we're friends because we met through a mutual friend, and now neither of us talk to that person very often...Went to her house, then she came over to mine, where I proceeded to nearly burn pizza and further obsess over what I was going to wear, after being around models all afternoon, I was having a very self-conscious day...Cicely's friend's Dee and David come over, because Dee has been bugging Cicely to see the purses that I make, because apparently she saw the one that I made Natalie for her birthday and was awestruck (as she put it)....Before I even went downstairs to say hi, she had picked one emptied out her other one, transferred the stuff and dropped some money on my dining room table...The best part was that she was in love with it... and her favorite part, was this orange stitching that I did, which I was thinking to myself when I made it..."no one is going to get this"...

We ended up meeting up with two other friends and going to a party,then to Lot 16 which we thought was Lot 332, the Beaconsfeild, The Paddock, and several small stops in between...Near the end of the night, we finally found Lot 332...ummm, maybe not...Back to Cicely's as she lives right downtown...

The plan was for me to crash on her couch...oh! apparently it's been reserved, by afore-mentioned mutual friend (who I should mention is slightly mentally imbalanced...not her fault...but hard to deal with), who had invited herself in and had no plans of leaving? I think that I need to drink more...I had one G&T tonight and stuck with Diet Coke and water for the rest of the night...which is what I usually do, but somehow I think that the situation would have seemed more humorous if I was intoxicated...

The highlight of my evening (because it wasn't all bad)...at the first party, my friend Simon was there (part of the Triangle)...he said that he had something for me and ran out to the car! He came back with a BackStage Pass to the Backstreet Boys...as embarrassed as I should be for outing myself...He said that he couldn't get me into the show, but he thought that I might like to have it as a memento...Thoughtful...

What to Wear...

2005-10-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

Irony of all Ironies, is that I work as a Stylist, and I have no idea what to wear! Yesterday was hectic and stressful, and I was really wishing that I was somewhere else, and then things turned around...I got a call from a friend of a friend, who is a designer...next week is Toronto Fashion Week, and I had left him a message saying that since I love the line, I'd be game to help out in the Styling of the Models for the show...not expecting to hear back from him...

Yeah! He called...and said that he would LOVE my help! This fitting is this afternoon at 3pm at VESPA, and btw Fashion Television is covering it?! Would that be a problem with me?! Ahm, not at all...It's almost 1!! I have an hour to hop in and out of the shower, apply some makeup, and obsess about what I'm going to wear!